Think of this as an opening of a discussion—the inauguration of a Hall of Anguish in the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame. For a complete list of the worst songs by the Beatles, gather their discography into one long queue and press play.
10. "Here Comes the Sun"
9. "Please Please Me"
WHY DOES THIS SONG SOUND LIKE IT IS CHRISTMAS AGAIN? Sorry, I didn't mean to type-yell. For some reason, within seconds of hearing most any Beatles song my blood goes cold and my skin starts screaming. In this case, it's because of the horrible harmonica at the beginning, which sounds like someone made an instrument out of a malfunctioning hard drive.
Then come the lyrics about hanging out with "my girl." This whole song is an endless, lyrical spray of nursery rhyme emotion, patriarchal babbling, and rock 'n' roll turrets outbursts like "Come on, Come on, Come on!"
Why does this guy's "girl" have to please him like he pleases her? Are the Beatles lyrics the origins of the date rape mindset? I vote yes.
7. "Good Day Sunshine"
The first nine seconds of this song are tolerable because it's just a steady drum beat and piano pounding. I wish it'd stayed that way, but then the singing starts, and I can't help but think of hippies sharing loaves of bread with one another in large grass fields while listening to iPods.
6. "Ticket to Ride"
I've always really hated any song that talks in third person, with lyrics like "he does what he needs / because he needs to / because he's a drifter" or something. That's not what this song says, but it might as well—it's just as hokey and makes just as little actual sense.
Nonsensical lyrics are great when they are actually nonsensical, but lyrics that pretend to tell a story when they are actually just repeating themselves are the aural equivalent of a blowjob without anybody actually ejaculating.
5. "I Want You (She's So Heavy)"
I know it isn't fair to hold an era's slang against an artist, but I can't help wishing the subtitle of this song meant it was a love song for a big girl. In reality, it just means—again—that bro wants to do sex with a smoking hot chick. Surprise!
The guitar line that opens this song sounds like what dozens of my friends in high school would play while trying to figure out some Smashing Pumpkins song. That could be cool or interesting in an ironic way, until the verse arrives and J-Lenny starts singing with all the vitality of your dad's favorite bar band.
Sorry, I just don't believe the faux-earnestness in rock lyrics like "I want you" in any context. Saying "John was a genius, this was a commentary," doesn't change the fact that the song sounds like Creedence Clearwater Revival performed by deaf middle schoolers. Actually, that would be better than this song.
4. "Yellow Submarine"
Of all the Beatles songs I don't like (a.k.a. all), this one stands out for being so bad it's almost good. "Yellow Submarine" is one that even a lot of massive Beatles fans hate for its childish goober sing-song style. That makes me want to like it just on principle—the enemy of your enemy is your friend, right?
But no, this track has one of the most obnoxious choruses of all time. It's the kind of chant I imagine they make child molesters sing in order to get supper delivered to their cell. Probably what most people don't like about this one is that who the fuck knows what it means. This could be a mark in its favor, if only it didn't sound like one of the Munchkins' work songs. "Yellow Submarine" should either become our national anthem or be deleted forever.
3. "The Fool on the Hill"
What happens when a heartthrob boy band does a shitload of drugs and become hippies? Poop on tape. This song has a kazoo solo, right? I'm pretty sure that this is what horses hear when they are killed.
2. "Let It Be"
As much as I could say about this, I will instead defer to a comment left on the song's YouTube page by user Ninjastyle124:
1. "Hey Jude"
No non-instrumental song ever should be more than seven minutes long unless it is black metal. This fact is even more true when half of the words are in do-do-wah-wah language. Even if this song were one minute long, I would still prefer to listen to a chorus of sickly babies crying on a plane without AC in Arizona.
Hate-follow Blake on Twitter.
Topics: the beatles, worst beatles songs, blake butler, beatles, let it be, hey jude, ticket to ride, yellow submarine, fool on the hill, hippies, fuck hippies, drugs, lsd, backstreet boys, the song horses hear when they are killed, views my own, opinion