The VICE Guide to Being Gay
Photos by Jamie Lee Curtis Taete
Gay was invented by two guys in the city of Sodom in 254 BC. Since then, tons and tons of men have been enjoying sex with other men. But, as fun and as normal as that is, LOADS of people have a problem with it. In fact, lots of people think that putting a dick anywhere near another man's bum or mouth hole is basically the same as wiping it all over God's toothbrush. Because of this, "gay shit" remains a controversial subject best avoided at religious events, or in the presence of idiots. Here's our comprehensive guide to everything you ever wanted to know about gayness, but were too afraid to ass.
Oh, and lesbians, we know you're gay too. But this is a guide to gay stuff for guys. You'll get your own guide soon.
Apparently 15 percent of gay guys don't ever do anal sex. If any of that 15 percent are reading this, YOU SHOULD TRY IT! Until you've had your bell rung from the inside, you haven't rung your bell at all. Sure, it's gonna hurt the first few times, but fuck it, get your boy to stick it in your lil' bum and cum, cum, and cum again! It's great! One warning though, if you go down the rabbit hole enough times, eventually you're going to find a rabbit. But in this case, that "rabbit" is "poop."
Honorable mentions: Alt gays, ABBA.
Being So Bored in Gay Clubs That You Just Watch the Video Wall All Night
The gay scene fucking sucks. But if you want to have sex even a little bit, you're going to have to take part in it eventually. You'd think that there'd be a gay bar out there that would cater to you, what with all the bear bars, the daddy bars, the punk gay bars, the sissy-bounce gay bars, the Mexican cowboy gay bars, the square-dancing gay bars, and the gay bars for people with ginger hair fetishes (these are all real gay bars I've been to, BTW). But nope. No matter where you go, you're gonna be hearing the same remix of "We Found Love" four times in an hour. And holy shit are you gonna get bored.
Honorable mentions: Bears, brunch, Broadway, Butt Magazine, Billy Eichner,"bisexuals," bisexuals, Bret Easton Ellis, bigots.
This girl I know just came out to her friends in a bar, people overheard, announced it to the room and then strangers bought her drinks all night! Great, huh! Another guy I know just came out to his family, and his brother tied his hands behind his back and threw him into a river! Less great, huh! I guess, most of the time, coming out stories are somewhere between those two. Pretty much no dad punches the air when his son brings home a boyfriend, but not too many reverse the car over him, either.
Still, the main thing about coming out is that it's probably best to ACTUALLY DO IT. I know, at times, it can be kind of exciting to have a big secret you're hiding from everyone (like you're Alex Mack or Batman), but every day a gay man spends in the closet makes him a little bit crazier. So bust down those doors or come to terms with becoming Jeffrey Dahmer Reloaded. Unless you live in Saudi Arabia or some shit. In which case, keep it under wraps.
PS: I'm sorry to break this to you. But everybody already knows. Even your mom. It's pretty fuckin' obvious, dude.
PPS: If your parents are assholes and refuse to accept you, fuck 'em. They get three years to be totally 100 percent OK with it (five, if they're old), after that, they're X'ed.
Honorable mentions: Chubs, choking, Cabaret, celebrity gossip, Courtney Love, crying, Cyndi Lauper, chick flicks.
Meth used to be the gay drug of choice. Back in the day, queens would fuck themselves up on it and then go to shitty parties with shitty music and pop a bunch of Viagra and have a ton of unsafe sex and get HIV. Meth is awful. Never do meth. Ecstasy and pot and acid and K are OK, I guess, but can everyone promise to stop messing with meth? And mephedrone or whatever that new shit is that even old men are doing now. "M" drugs are bad, guys. Knock them off.
Honorable mentions: Dennis Cooper, daddies, drag queens, drunk texts, Paris Hilton's "Drunk Text," divas.
Neeeever gonna happen! Sez, everyone. Think about it; there are so many places where gays are viewed with about as much affection as a shit on a pillowcase: The Middle East, Africa, 50 percent of Europe, a whole bunch of America, 99 percent of South America, 80 percent of Asia. $800 says that everyone who's ever been on the moon is a homophobe—which means we can't have that either.
Of course, there's been progress, but even if we're optimistic, and we were to assume that the medieval types still hating queers will eventually be outmoded by new, fabulous, liberal guys; it's going to take so long that by the time they're cool, all the fabulous, liberal places on Earth will have probably slipped back into religious despotism and gay hating. Sucks, huh?
But still, you know what's great? When tough gays kick the shit out of homophobes. Let's do that more. And don't forget to put it on YouTube!
Honorable mentions: Expensive hair products, erections, E! True Hollywood Stories.
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