The VICE Guide to Ugandan Sex Slang

By Thomas Morton

So you think Ugandans are a bunch of unlaid prudes just because you watched "Eat da poo poo" a couple years ago? Muzunga, please. Ugandans are some of the filthiest little fuckbirds since James Joyce's wife. Sure, 98 percent of the country supports the death penalty for gay sex and prostitution is illegal, but that's all politics. The truth is the tables at every bar in Kampala still have an empty seat next to each "single girl," and even if Martin Sempa's "Hang the fags" bill does pass, Uganda hasn't executed anyone on death row in over 30 years. Unless their preferred method is natural causes. 

Point being, ain't nobody dying here for doing a little light plumbing or bonking. Here's a quick lexical guide to getting laid in Uganda. 

Kandahar - "Pussy." Uganda sends soldiers to help basically any army that asks. Us, the AU, Congo, the UN, etc. As such, the Ugandan slang terms for dick and vagina basically follow major international conflicts in real time. So right now, your "drone" will bomb a girl's "Kandahar" into oblivion. A year ago, in honor of the fall of Qadaffi, your "rebels" would occupy her "Benghazi." Before that your "bunker busters" would nail her "Baghdad" right in the "Green Zone" (if you're good). This whole strain of thinking dates back to the days after 9/11 when Ugandans decided it was acceptable to describe the act of physical love by saying they'd just crashed their "planes" into a girls…
 
 
Twin Towers - This doesn't refer to pussy en toto so much as the lips. To prepare them for womanhood, girls of the Toro kingdom have a special aunt who comes over before bedtime and tugs their labia with both hands, stretching them and molding them over the course of their youth into pendulous fleshy droopers the men of the kingdom like to flap their dicks against in lieu of penetrating, until the girl comes in a fit of sexual torture. Or, in the local argot, "to bring their Twin Towers down to Ground Zero so she Never Forgets." 
 
This may seem a little niche to you and I, but there's a native saying to the effect of "A cunt without flaps is like a window without shutters" (it's prettier in Lutoro) that's so overtaken the national sexual conscious rich women in Kampala now hire Professional Aunties and Uncles to help their twats keep up with the Toros. I did not make a single word of this up. 
 
Tsunami - Oh yeah, the girls in Toro are also taught by their aunties how to ejaculate. Gushers if you will. They're so good at it that hotels in the region (even nice ones) include plastic sheets with your linens for when the levee breaks. 
 
Bonk - Bonking is fucking. A little more aggro than boinking, but not nearly as crass as porking. 
 
Whopper - This is a more general term for dick for those who don't like couching their sex life in military jargon or who don't keep up with current events.
 
 
Boobs - Boobs are boobs, but there are different fruit designations to distinguish the various shapes and orientations. Red Pepper recently did an exhaustive report to help you identify them.  
 
Muzunga/Muindi - Muzunga means white girl and Muindi means Indian. When you call a Ugandan women Muzunga or Muindi, it means she doesn't have an ass. 
 
Somali - This is either a guy without an ass or a guy with a huge cock. Both are based on the proportional effects of Ugandans' tall, constantly starving neighbors. Real nice, Uganda. 
 
Truck Driver - This is also a guy with no ass, just without the mean ethnic connotations. Admittedly, it doesn't have quite the same ring to it. 
 
Plumber - Newsflash: Gay people have sex in Uganda. Not with the same reckless, in-the-streets abandon we love them for over in the States, but it does happen. And when it happens it's called plumbing. So, obviously, a plumber is a top. 
 
Having Your Sewage Line Blocked - There isn't really a term for a "bottom" in Uganda (you wouldn't believe how hard it was to try to explain the concept of "power-bottom"), but when you let a plumber put his whopper in your ass, you say your pipes are being worked on or your sewage line is blocked. Though probably not when it's actually happening. 
 
Beeping - Beeping is when you can't afford cellphone minutes so you call somebody, let it ring once, then hang up so they'll be forced to call you back. Kind of like in the payphone days when you'd leave an entire message for someone in the "State your name" part of a collect call. Remember that? Anyways, beeping also means you came too quickly. 
 
So there you go. Hope this helps you understand that Ugandans are freer fuckers than you and me, and also hope it helps you find love next time you find yourself in the Four Kingdoms of the Great West Nile Republic. Just mind the AIDS please. 
 

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