THIS SLEEP NO MORE THING IS FUCKED

I've never been the kind of person who shells out tons of money to see stupid theater productions with a bunch of shitty actors, so when I heard about Sleep No More I was all, "more like Sleep SOME More," because I'm good at jokes and was sure it would be a total snooze fest.

But then people who have absolutely no business going to the theater, went to see it and freaked out about how amazing it was. One friend told me, "You wear masks, there is an orgy, and some dude kills himself." Another friend said, "You see a murder, some people get naked, and a chick shits a baby out of her ass."

Still, not a single person could tell me what the fuck it was about, so I went to see it for myself. Unfortunately, you're not allowed to use your phone, talk, or take off your mask during the entire show, so I don't have a single picture, but I guarantee it's something you need to see if you've ever wanted to know what it feels like to live inside a David Lynch film.

The play takes place in the McKittrick hotel, which has been turned into a 1920's Eyes Wide Shut style playhouse. When you walk in you're handed a mask and pushed into a dark elevator before getting thrown out on different floors of the building. Instead of sitting in a chair for three hours you walk around and create your own journey as the actors rush in and out of the rooms around you, playing out different scenarios that somehow make up one really fucked-up story.

From what I understand, there are elements of Macbeth scattered throughout the play, but the whole thing just seemed like a bad acid trip to me—and I mean that in the best possible way. The set designers have gone into excruciating detail in each of the rooms, so I spent a great deal of time opening drawers and closets and basically touching everything in sight, which meant I missed a lot of the story and most of the really crazy shit. However, I did see lots of blood, dead animals, a guy kill himself, some creepy interpretive dancing, a bar brawl, and I found a big room filled with candy that you can actually eat.

It was a pretty amazing experience, but I'm pissed off I missed the massive orgy and the supposed anal birth, so I'm going again.

ANNETTE LAMOTHE-RAMOS

Sleep No More is open until June 25 and selling out fast, so get a ticket like yesterday.

PRO TIP: When you hear really loud drum and bass music start to play, follow it to its source… trust me.