This Week in Balls - May 7, 2012

Screw keeping up with sports. Who, besides freaks, has the time? Why not read this instead for the gist of what's been happening with balls this past week and use this knowledge to successfully hobnob with weird regular people at the office, friendly skinheads, the guy who washes your cat, women who are better than you, and so on.

Boxing:

- Some people give a shit about boxing, but most do not. To that end, Floyd Mayweather and Miguel Cotto fought for a $45-million purse on Saturday night. (In honor of Cinco De Mayo, every fight on the card was between a Mexican dude and a black dude.) Mayweather, the 7-to-1 favorite and highest-paid athlete in America, had an entourage of Justin Bieber, 50 Cent and Triple H, which sounds like the beginning of a complicated joke. As even Bieber could have predicted, Mayweather won in a unanimous decision, though it was close for a while.

NBA:

- The Thunder, America’s favorite team and Seattle’s least favorite, swept the champs on Friday. Dallas straight-up couldn’t defend James Harden, either because they were concerned that he recently got his face moshed by Metta World Peace or out of respect for his semi-Dan Higgs beard.

- Phil Mushnick lost his mind in comparing the Nets to a straight-up racist epithet. Mushnick, the New York Post’s TV media columnist, is probably not talking about the band of the same name.

- The Knicks won! Carmelo Anthony, who was booed early in the game, had 41 mildly efficient points. (He’s among the NBA’s statistically most clutch players, if you believe that “clutch” exists.) That’s good. Baron Davis suffered a gruesome injury. That’s bad.

- Chris Bosh of the Heat flew all over the place this weekend, because his baby was being born. Maybe he needs an American Airlines lifetime pass? Maybe not.

- The Celtics are in good position despite Ray Allen’s terrible, no good, very bad ankle and Kevin Garnett playing what amounts to hockey minutes, possibly because Rajon Rondo is a goddam basketball machine.

MLB:

- Mariano Rivera was injured real bad Thursday but said he’d be back. Among the cooler things regarding Mariano: He’s born in the 60s, he's the Craig MacTavish of wearing Jackie Robinson’s number, he did ads for both Canali and Taco Bell, and he didn’t pick that Metallica song that’s introduced him since the beginning of time.

- The Red Sox and Orioles played a complete shithouse of a game—both DHs pitched(!)—and the O’s won for the Fenway sweep. The Orioles are first in the AL East, which is one of the weirdest sentences I’ve ever typed.

- Bryce Harper is to baseball what Stevie Wonder was to the clavinet. At 19 years old, he’s the best player on the Nationals’ roster, hitting third in the lineup, and he stole home on Sunday—his first in the Majors! Sure, he has a skrullet—the R is for SkRillex—but it’s not like you’re hanging out together. He’s a baseball player, man, he’s not supposed to be cool.

- Albert Pujols homered! Is it a big deal if it was his first homer of the season? Hell no it ain’t.

- Delmon Young hung out with a rabbi, albeit a beardless one.

NHL:

- The Kings swept the Blues to reach their first conference finals in 19 years, and I’m told that this song is now playing over the St. Louis City Museum loudspeakers. Both our experts predicted LA would move ahead right along. Pretty impressive, huh? Also, fun fact: The Kings have scheduling priorities over the Clippers in Staples Center, which means the Clippers will be playing their next game in either the ESPN parking lot or by the Joshua Tree.

- Teemu Selanne, who might be the coolest hockey player alive, is debating retirement. He’s so sick! Check out this goal. It’s crazy!

NFL:

- Junior Seau, who was the best—he had Morrissey haircut and seemed like a nice guy—died in tragic fashion on Wednesday. His brain will go to science, and possibly provide more proof that football is a brutal sport that destroys the minds and bodies of those who play it.

- Kurt Warner said if he had sons, they wouldn’t play football, and people are giving him shit about it. It’s up for debate whether any of the people criticizing him have, say, been tackled like this.

- Hall of Fame guard Joe DeLamielleure echoed Warner’s sentiments, and also said that the NFLPA isn’t doing enough for retired players, calling out head honcho DeMaurice Smith by name.

Soccer:

- Djibril Cisse scored this big-deal goal on Sunday, but he remains the fucking worst for both hair and non-hair related reasons. That said, he either scores or gets sent off in every game, which is tight.

@samreiss_

Previously - May 2, 2012