Tidbits

A Monthly Look At Things We Love - The Conspiracy Theories Issue




1 STREET FIGHTER TWO STAND-UP
Being one of those nouveau riche, dot-com-type companies, we like to ride around the office on lowriders and play old video games (no water cooler here!). There’s even beer in the fridge (ooooh kaaay!). There’s even rock blasting and people saying, “Okay, I’ll fucking fax that right away” like there wasn’t a bad word in the sentence.

2 SPECULAAS
After a hard day of using a cold steel clamp to open up women’s beavs, a gynecologist can get peckish as a motherfucker. That’s why you need to get these sanitary-pad-shaped digestive cookies. They’re vaginamazing!

3 HULK HOGAN TAPE
This tape is a combination of Skrewdriver, Twisted Sister, and a white trash minstrel trying to squeeze one last penny out of his career. It’s good ’ol studio musician rock n’ roll in a hip hop country stylee and it says everything from “The Hulkster’s in the house” to “The Hulkster’s on the roof!” to “The Hulkster is right ovah theyeeyare” (seriously).

4 & 5 DRIFTER AND TOKKE
While nerds in three-piece suits are living in prefab houses, listening to whatever society tells them and eating Kit-Kats (Eeew Kit-Kats - Eeeew look at me), there are two bars out there that don’t compromise. Drifter and Tokke are the kind of bars that live by their own rules. Bad boy bars that ain’t afraid to say “eff you” (right to your face).

6 SWEETIE
Used primarily by girlie men like Jimmy Tickles, this soft lemon mint is for guys that think receiving a blowjob is misogynist and Bono is “basically, a genius.”

7 KISSMINT
“Christmas is here and it’s the season where giving is gift-giving and so on and so forth and you can get a sweater and look really good and all that but what does the skin look like? Kissmint gum promises skinfresh and that is so much more important than just having a sweater.”
Go to tvcarnage.com and own that infomercial.

8 MANHOOD TEA
A lot of Chinese housewives were complaining about developing huge hairy balls and big long dicks after drinking this but then they got jobs at huge corporations and got rich exploiting people and then they decided it was the greatest thing that ever happened to them.

9 SKATEBOARD WITH GUMMI
Not only can you ride your fingerboard and master the tricks on the back but you can put a candy shoe on your finger while you do it! Then you can eat the shoe! Then you can take the empty plastic thing around the shoe, fill it with water, and make an ICE SHOE! How au’some is that, kids!?



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9 years ago

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