In what I’m sure is a stupid move, I agreed to join this service. The idea of it is they set you up with a text-message pen pal, but really they probably just want to sell your cell phone number to whoever wants it. So I’m looking forward to getting text messages directly from Papa John’s for the rest of my life. My editor at VICE suggested it because she thought it would be funny. I agreed to do it because I am stupid.Here’s a transcript:9177467856:[Welcome to TxtPals!][Commands:/? this menu/nick change your name/list who’s here?/me status/shhh skip today/leave bye!]12:13pm Friday9177467856: [We just found you a TxtPal!]12:13pm FridayMe:Yo where you at?12:16pm FridayMe:/me12:18pm Friday9177467856: [You: Pal35, Pal: Dan]12:28pm FridayMe:YO DAN WHERE YOU AT.12:39pm Friday9177467856: Dan: I’m here to!!!12:40pm Friday9177467856:Dan: Yo!! Where you at PAL35????12:40pm FridayMe:CHITOWN TRYNDA LINE UP A FRIDAYY CUZ I BUST NUTZZZZZ12:43pm Friday9177467856: Dan: Hahahahaha1:01pm FridayMe:U A DUDE?1:02pm Friday9177467856:Dan: YEAH1:02pm Friday9177467856: Dan: YOU ALWAYS TYPE IN CAPS?1:03pm FridayMe: SOMETIME DA SHIT BE URGENT HOMIE1:05pm FridayMe: yo dan i cant figure da shit ut u cool but where the ladies at u know? cant fugure the shit out1:24pm Friday9177467856: Dan: Yeah! You gotta hope that the service assigns you to a nice lady next time instead of a dude. It’s just random. Ya know? Doesn’t know if you’re a dude or2:07pm Friday9177467856: Dan: a chick.2:07pm Friday9177467856:[ Dan is now: spooky]11:46am Saturday9177467856: [spooky is now: sharky]11:46am Saturday9177467856:[ Pal switch! You have a new Pal. Say Hi!]11:46am SaturdayMe:I get lonely.2:10am SundayMe: Lonely in my bones.2:12am SundayMe: Deep and impenetrable loneliness.2:13am SundayMe: But not a despairing loneliness.2:14am SundayMe:I find its depth and breadth a comfort, like a long walk home from a dead end neighborhood.2:15am SundayMe:I am eating pancakes. Alone.2:16am SundayMe: Hello?2:16am SundayMe: Are you there?2:16am SundayMe: I am eating pancakes.2:17am SundayMe: Are you sleeping? I need a friend. I’m down in the dumps.2:19am SundayMe: GOOD MORNING!!! JESUS IS LORD!!!8:33am SundayMe: I ate blood.10:55am Sunday9177467856:[ Pal switch! You have a new Pal. Say Hi!]11:12am SundayMe: Listen, do you know anything about snakes? Poisonous snakes?11:14am Sunday9177467856: Pal41: Just not to get near them. Or touch them really.11:14am SundayMe: Uh oh.11:15am Sunday9177467856: Pal41: What happened? You should try to suck the venom out. But don’t swallow it.11:16am SundayMe: Oh jeez.11:17am Sunday9177467856: Pal41: Well? We live?!11:33am SundayMe: I’m not good.12:17am Sunday9177467856: Pal41: Do you need me to call your mom1:11pm SundayMe: Don’t be vulgar.1:13pm SundayMe: hey where do people buy road flares or a flare gun for boats10:44pm SundayMe: quick10:44pm SundayMe: hey quick10:45pm Sunday9177467856:[ Pal switch! You have a new Pal: tacotruck. Say Hi!]9:07am MondayMe: Sometimes I worry that I never learned how to love another person.9:13am Monday9177467856: tacotruck: Not even your mother?9:24am MondayMe:What is it with you people and mothers?9:25am Monday9177467856: tacotruck: Seems the most likely place to start. Does anyone love you?9:39am MondayMe: [New Pal: not tacotruck]9:46am MondayMe:/change to not tacotruck9:47am MondayMe:/hatethisguy9:51am MondayMe:/dud9:58am MondayVerdict: although I guess fucking with strangers via text message is a decent way to waste time, and it’s nice to get the extra added bonus of picturing their phone buzzing on the nightstand when you text “R U HORNY” at 4:00 AM, there’s the internet now. The whole world is wired specifically to fuck with strangers.Also, although I like to think I’m decently funny, there’s just no way for me to top [spooky is now: sharky]. Wherever and whoever you are, Dan, you did it. You topped me. I want you back.
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