Valentine’s Day is widely regarded as the worst holiday in the history of holidays. You don’t get a day off, you’re very likely to get into an epic fight with your significant other, and its history is rooted in the fictional martyrdom of an Italian saint named Valentinus—it is, to be perfectly blunt, 100-percent bullshit.
But that doesn’t stop corporations from trying to capitalize on it by making “hearts” out of their products, and it doesn’t stop the nonstop jeweler ads ("Every kiss begins with Kay"). It’s a wonder more people don’t put a gun to their blood pumper on February 14.
Besides jewelers, the other big early February advertisers are of course flower-delivery companies. The biggest—Florists’ Transworld Delivery—just released four new commercials, all featuring generic, white, hetero, annoying-as-humanly-possible actor-couples.
Know that these four couples were carefully culled from somewhere in the neighborhood of 50–60 auditions and picked to represent a $600 million company for their most important two weeks of the year.
The men in the spots are from planet Idiot, the women, from planet Bitch—a.k.a. the advertising industry’s characterizations of the genders for the last 20 years or so.
Be forewarned, single folk: After watching these ads, celibacy will never look more appealing.
You’ll note that the names of the eight “lovers” have been chosen to be whiter than Katy Perry’s tits. FTD is a 100-year-old Midwest company, so there will be no fucking weirdo names (let alone any melanin) in its commercials. The spots are meant to be “tongue-in-cheek funny.”
“Mike & Karen”
Clichéd Scenario #1: Women are cuckoo-bananas and always saying things that make zero sense; men are cheap fucks.
Solution: They should both buy each other flowers and then argue over who bought the better bouquet, with the situation eventually devolving into a roaring shouting-and-throwing-things donnybrook that thankfully ends this awful relationship between the two whitest people in the history of humanity.
“Brian & Cindy”
Clichéd Scenario #2: Men are cheap, gluttonous morons; women have no sense of humor.
Solution: Brian should buy Cindy a dozen red roses and eat every one of them while taking selfies, then send the pics to his old college douchebag buddies. Cindy should disinfect the toilet about ten times and then bluntly ask Brian if he’s allergic to eating pussy, too.
“Allen & Denise”
Clichéd Scenario #3: Men with beards = “hipsters,” who do cRazY things (notice Allen’s sweater is slightly cooler than the previous two young Republicans’); women are stultifyingly boring.
Solution: Allen should have taught the parrot to say, “I wanna fuck you in the pooper, Denise.” Denise should have countered by buying a 10-inch strap-on and handcuffs and pegging Allen until he bled.
“Keith & Audrey”
Clichéd Scenario #4: Men are cheap idiots; women are fucking killjoys.
Solution: Keith should have plagiarized one of Yeats’s more obscure love poems (or the copywriter should have written something funny). Audrey should buy a dildo already and name it “Anonymous Man Who Is Not Keith.”
Be thankful, Hispanics, African Americans, and Gays, who you are not in FTD’s target demo. Because those scripts written by the white hack copywriters from the very white Chicago ad agency Epsilon would have been wincingly awkward, and probably racist.
Note: Epsilon’s tagline is Where Intelligence Ignites Connections.™ Yes, they’ve trademarked it.