New Zealand's Top Tattoo Artists Talk About the Most Awkward Requests They've Gotten

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New Zealand's Top Tattoo Artists Talk About the Most Awkward Requests They've Gotten

"I remember this guy came into the studio with no tattoos and wanted a sperm coming out of each corner of his mouth."

Sometimes a bad tattoo is a badge of honor. It can imply that you were once young, naive, or wasted enough to be excited about a stranger writing on your flesh in Mandarin permanently. The bottom line: You gave in to your instincts, did something without thinking about it too much, and probably have a reasonably amusing story to tell about it. But there are other kinds of bad tattoos, and New Zealand's top tattoo artists have heard them all.

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I asked five of the business's best to tell me about their most insane experiences drawing things on bodies. In return I heard tales of satanic sexual blasphemy, prosthetic penises, bestiality, and decapitation.

DAN ANDERSEN, SACRED TATTOO, AUCKLAND

VICE: So Dan, is there a particular style that you really enjoy? Any request that you get super excited about?
Dan Andersen: When I started in New Zealand you just had to do everything, that's how you survived 20 years ago. I like the Americana kind of traditional Western style of tattooing, but I also like Japanese stuff. Anything like that is kind of fun, but I like a challenge too.

Do you ever try and call what some one might want as they walk in? A little bit of, Yeah this girl has infinity sign written all over her?
Yeah you do, but sometimes you get surprised. One of my clients at the moment is this tiny little girl and you think she's going to get something soft and feminine and then you find out she's half Japanese and wants this really massive Japanese demon piece on her back. Every now and again you'll get someone who wants something massive and totally different—which is always fun.

Can you describe any what are you thinking? requests?
We're not a walk-in shop so people are tame here! But we do get people who come in who've sat on their computer and used Photoshop and put this ridiculous collage together and you have to remind them it's still tattooing. You can't get all that galaxy-fractal laser shit going on because it won't translate as a tattoo.

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Is it that clients are just injecting too much meaning into their tattoos?
Oh the classic is when people only want one tattoo, but they want this for their mum, this for their dad, this for their sister, this is for their granddad in the war, this for New Zealand, and this means travel, and they want it the size of a ten-cent piece of their ankle.

Yeesh. Do you ever feel obligated to say, "Look, I think you have to go away and a really good think about this"?
I definitely don't do anything racist or linked with drugs, it's my reputation sitting on their arm as well. We just try and make the best of everything.

Image courtesy of Kyle Dhyberg

KYLE DHYBERG, SINATRAS, WELLINGTON

VICE: Tell me a little bit about your personal style.
Kyle Dhyberg: I'm really into black and white realism, mostly portraiture.

Surely there aren't too many people asking for fully-fledged portraits though?
You'd be surprised. Full faces can look quite harsh on the skin but they make great tattoo art. People will ask for kind of anything from their dogs, celebrities, or lost loved ones, but definitely a lot of traditionally beautiful or interesting female faces.

Do some people come to you with portraiture that you totally cringe at?
Definitely. You see some work and think, What were they thinking? It mostly happens when people don't know their artist's capabilities and are asking for something that's way beyond their experience level. Or if they are just asking for way too much.

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Can you remember an unorthodox piece that you were particularly proud of?
Well we actually had this transgender man come in asking us to tattoo his fake penis to make it look more realistic.

That is not where I thought this was going.
Yeah well he'd been sent away by other tattoo parlors for just wanting some veins and discoloration. Usually they're done by cosmetic tattoo artists but I thought I'd give him a hand [laughs].

What was that like?
Weird, but just like tattooing any body part! Plus I was stoked I got to help this guy out.

Image courtesy of Simon Morse

SIMON MORSE, DR MORSE INC TATTOO STUDIO, WELLINGTON

VICE: What type of tattooing gets you out of bed in the morning?
Simon More: I originally started as a comic artist, so my style is crossing comic and tattoo then adding a Japanese formula to it. The way Japanese style flows on the body is beautiful.

Is there any kind of request you get frustrated with?
Ugh, it gets annoying when you're halfway through a tattoo and their requests and what they want become annoying and you're committed to it already.

Are there any designs or body parts you just wouldn't go near?
Oh man, some guy wanted me to tattoo Jesus being crucified upside-down while being decapitated by Satan. It's kinda like, "Yeah, nah."

Is that among the strangest you've had?
I remember this guy coming in wanting this satanic Nazi type one. It was like neo-Nazi but he was all dressed in fluro, so we called him the neon-Nazi. Even his phone had a neon case.

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I just spoke to Kyle at Sinatras, who told me about having to tattoo a transgender man's prosthetic penis? That blew my mind.
Wait, he came to me too! Did he want like veins?

Yeah!
Yeah he came to me but I said no. I said to him, "Man, I used to do zombie comics, and that's like a zombie cock, so if you wanted veins they'd be pretty comic-y." But Kyle would have nailed it.

Image courtesy of Adam Craft

ADAM CRAFT, THE TATTOOED HEART, AUCKLAND

VICE: I know from looking at your stuff you do a lot of classic tattooing, is that what you prefer?
Adam Craft: Yeah definitely traditional Western and other classic forms like Japanese and tribal. I also like quite unusual stuff as well. The subversive, crazy stuff.

Sounds intense, can you give me an example of subversive tattooing?
Well some of my recent clients are pretty marginal, interesting people. I've been tattooing for 20 years and I've met some genuine rebels who don't fit in with society.

Is there a certain client or piece that stands out?
Definitely! One time this guy wanted satanic sexual blasphemy and I said "Alright, I can do that," so on his whole front it was this big inverted cross and swastikas and penises up the side and his penis was the third penis and a vagina and everything. It was a cool tattoo.

That's out of control. Did you ever think you might be going too far?
There are things I have said no to, but this guy was like a fetish weird guy. He worked for the Salvation Army, he was a librarian—like super straight. His father was a vicar and obviously had a lot of issues, so I thought if I didn't do it someone else would.

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Is that as crazy as it gets?
I'm not big on genital tattooing but there are a few I've done. Do you want the salacious stuff?

One hundred percent.
Alright. I did a hotrod doing a burnout on a woman's vagina. I did an undescended testicle diagram on a woman's vagina. I did a rainbow penis.

Like stripes?
Yeah, like stripes down the cock. I did a rosebud around the anus. Looked like a rose, but didn't smell the same! I did two Japanese wrestling figures with their heads like a vagina and penis, a sort of metaphor for marriage. We did the words "anal whore" on a woman's butt.

It's crazy, but the more you go on the less the shocked I get.
There's more, I just don't know if I should tell you. There's actually one I didn't do. This guy came in and he was real cagey. He was beating around the bush and didn't want to say what he wanted. He finally said, "It's a portrait," then, "It's a portrait of my wife." We were like, "OK, and…?" and he said, "It's a portrait of my wife having sex with an Alsatian."

Like, the dog?
Yep. I was like, "That's a no." Not only is that illegal but I just don't want to know about it, it was a bridge too far.

In that case do you just refer them on?
If I didn't like someone I would refer that guy to him!

BRYN GOODALL, THIRTEEN NEEDLES, AUCKLAND

VICE: You're a self-described neo-traditionalist, is that what you generally stick to?
I really love that new old-school vibe but any Japanese stuff, color or black-and-white realism—basically anything where someone comes in and I get to draw my own interpretation. When someone's super strict it makes it hard to get the best tattoo possible.

Are there any trends you can't stand?
Oh God, after Miley Cyrus got that dreamcatcher there were so many dreamcatchers. When Rihanna got the Roman numerals there were so many Roman numerals. Ugh, silhouette birds, infinities.

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So, super basic white-girl tattoos?
Yeah, but that's what they want! All the time they over-analyse it as well. They forget that if its just cool and you want it that's a good enough reason.

Is there any kind of tattoo you're just really not about?
For me not really, but I remember this guy came into the studio with no tattoos and wanted a sperm coming out of each corner of his mouth.

Did anyone do it?
Yeah, I won't say who, but a guy did. He had a full-on beard, so, thinking he was taking the piss, we told him he needed to go away and shave. But he came back totally clean-shaven, paid the money up front, and got the tattoo. I was astonished. Then he came back two weeks later and got a whole bunch of other stuff on his face.

Wait and he had no tattoos at all? That's bizarre.
Yeah he ended up with about five or six tattoos of insanely weird stuff on his face.

And the guy you work with had no qualms?
For him he looked at it like, who's an artist to say yea or nay? If you really want it and you're going to pay for it you're going to eventually get it. For me though, this girl came in wanting a star under her eye and told me she'd put a lot of thought into her tattoos since she got her knuckles done. Her knuckles said "F*** life." I just said, "Nah, I'm good."

Are there any body parts that you would refuse to do?
I have to admit I would do a penis, just because everyone keeps asking me if I've done one!

Hey totally worth it to have that one story in the bank. But no regular penis tats? There's probably a market for it.
I'm not gonna lie, there probably is.

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