We Got the Members of the Westboro Baptist Church to Take Buzzfeed Quizzes
Apr 10 2014
As I'm sure you've heard, Fred Phelps, founder and chief dickhead of the Westboro Baptist Church, has died.
Presumably this has been a game changer in the Westboro world, and I wanted to get to know the new them. And what better way to get to know people than making them do a bunch of Buzzfeed quizzes? They have told me many, many things about myself and others that I never knew (and also probably didn't want to know, TBH).
Below is how the members of the church answered the quizzes I sent to them. The answer they selected is presented with a short quote from them explaining their choices. Enjoy!
Which Sex and the City Guy Is Your Soulmate? – Taken by Westboro member Mara Phelps
Q. Pick a dress color for your first date
A. Black ("Black is the color of the human soul. We have no good in us.")
Q. Pick the activity for your first date
A. Dancing ("King David danced in the street after seeing the Lord's divine rule acted out.")
Q. Where do you want to sleep right now?
A. A four poster bed ("It reminds me of Roman times, when people had the word of God with them.")
Q. What would you want for your anniversary?
A. A dog ("Because dogs are loyal.")
Q. Pick a dog
A. A terrier ("It reminds me of a dog called April that we used to have. And someone, in the middle of the night, broke in and slit her throat.")
Q. Pick a flower
A. An iris ("When we first moved to this house, we could see these flowers outside.")
Q. Which New York City tourist attraction would you actually like to visit?
A. The Empire State Building. ("It couldn't have been made unless God had given the engineers and the people who built it the ability to do so.")
Q. Pick a romantic comedy
A. Pretty Woman ("She was supposedly a prostitute with a heart of gold. This generation has been raised to think being promiscuous is something to be proud of. And it is not.")
Q. Which word makes you squirm?
A. Ooze ("There's a sickness to it. The Lord has cursed fags with AIDS which causes them to have sores that ooze.")
Q. When looking for a boyfriend, which of the following is most important?
A. Loyalty ("It's important for people to have loyalty to one's brothers.")
Q. Pick a brunch dish
A. Grapefruit. ("It looks really healthy.")
"I'm not familiar with this character or the show at all. It says he expects the perfect wife. A lot of people expect things to be perfect for them even though they don't deserve it."
Which Queen of Comedy Are You – Taken by Westboro member Jael Holroyd, 29
Q. Pick a TV show
A. Saturday Night Live ("They bring to life the whole concept of 'there will be mockers.' And I like when current events prove the scriptures.")
Q. Someone says women aren't funny, you...
A. Do a perfect Charlie Chaplin impression ("We'd make a Vine out of it. We're @WBCsays on Vine.")
Q. Pick a drink:
A. Milkshake ("Because they're delicious. I'm sorry I don't have a better answer for you than that.")
Q. Kids are...
A. Wonderful and hilarious ("They're little blessings. A gift from the Lord.")
Q. It's Friday night, where are you?
A. On Twitter ("Our account is @WBCsays, we like to be as creative as possible to reach all the different people out there.")
Q. Pick a vice...
A. The internet ("There's all kinds of freaky people out there.")
Q. The internet is...
A. A powerful medium ("People call us trolls but we're not doing this purely to provoke people.")
Q. Politics are...
A. Whatever ("Obama is a lying murderer.")
"We just picketed the Golden Globes. The one with her and Tina Fey. So I would have to say I am not Amy Poehler. She's pretty funny on Parks and Recreation, though."
How Big of a Dick Are You? – Taken by Westboro member Steve Drain
Q. Do you like Nickelback?
A. Not my cup of tea but to each his own ("I don't really feel like they were trying to be themselves. It felt like they were being derivative of bands of that time.")
Q. Could you be friends with Spencer Pratt?
A. Sure, why not? Probably has some fun stories ("I think that he's just as deserving of the Bible's truth as anyone else.")
Q. You go on a date, who pays?
A. I do, since I asked them out ("I only date my wife, and my wife is very, very good to me, and I try to do anything I can to please her. It's not easy being married to me.")
Q. Would you wear this Tapout shirt?
A. I'm more into Affliction stuff ("I'm not even into Affliction stuff anymore. I don't wear it anymore, but the word 'affliction' reminds me of the affliction of Joseph.")
Q. Do you respond to missed calls and emails right away?
A. Yes, or as soon as I can. I'm sorta busy. ("If it's one of my brothers or sisters in Christ, I wanna see what I can do to help them.")
Q. How do you feel about gourmet food?
A. Gross. Yuck. ("I'm only talking about that particular picture in the quiz. But I'm not opposed to all gourmet food. The Lord, Jesus Christ said 'Man shall not live by bread alone.'")
Q. An asteroid is hurtling towards Earth and you have one last day. How do you spend it?
A. With my friends and family enjoying the time we have left together ("I don't think an asteroid will be hurtling toward Earth. I think the Lord is going to be hurtling toward Earth, coming from the clouds with ten thousand of the Saints to execute judgment on the ungoldy and I want to be beheld as a friend by the Lord Jesus Christ.")
Q. Your significant other says "I love you" for the first time, what do you do?
A. Say "I love you back" and kiss them passionately ("I'm only answering that way because I have four options to choose from. But for the first time it wouldn't have been appropriate.")
Q. A random person across the street trips and falls. You:
A. Luckily I caught it on Vine. #epicfail ("I have a guilty pleasure, and that is watching videos of people falling over. As long as they aren't seriously hurt. I love trampoline accidents, I love pinata accidents, you know?")
"Now look at that! I'm glad that you're not gonna say that I'm that big of a D-star-star-K. I'll tell you how somebody can be a really big d**k, though: lying to someone else about the Bible. Not warning them about their sin. We're supposed to love one another, and the way we're supposed to do that is to warn one another when we're caught up in sin."
Which Pop Star Should Be Your Best Friend? – Taken by Westboro member Rebekah Phelps-Roper
Q. What would you like to do for a night out?
A. Go see some live music ("We sing a lot of parodies of popular music. I sing the Lorde one, you can hear it on our Soundcloud.")
Q. What do you usually talk about?
A. How to make the world a better place ("By preaching, because that is the only way anything can get better.")
Q. What should your best friend do if you get dumped?
A. Try to make you laugh ("I don't date, so I'm answering as though a man at a picket yelled at me.")
Q. How do you feel about gossip?
A. Haters gonna hate ("That pretty much describes everyone who talks about us, including the media.")
Q. Which show would you binge watch?
A. Adventure Time ("I haven't binge watched a show since Grey's Anatomy.")
Q. And what would you like to eat while you're watching it?
A. Popcorn and Diet Coke ("Whatever you're going to eat, make sure it's in moderation, because that's how you're meant to live your life.")
Q. How would your best friend celebrate your birthday?
A. Bake you a cake ("I love celebrating things with cakes, including birthdays.")
Q. What should be the tone of their toast at your wedding?
A. Earnest ("Because weddings are, of course, solemn things.")
"We picketed Taylor Swift! She would not be my best friend, because I would tell her very kindly and gently, 'You have to stop sleeping around with men, girl.' The Lord hates that."
Which Twin Peaks Character Are You? – Taken by Westboro member Steve Drain
Q. Pick a movie
A. Fargo ("I like the Coen Brothers a lot. Their films tend to be morality plays.")
Q. What term best describes you?
A. Loyal ("I hope to be loyal in my service to God.")
Q. Pick a song
A. "Money" by Pink Floyd ("I think they're a very underrated band.")
Q. What's your ideal Friday night?
A. Hanging with your significant other ("I love my wife, she's the wife of my youth. And the Lord tells us to rejoice with the wife of thy youth.")
Q. Pick a food
A. Maraschino cherries ("I put maraschino cherries in soda. I think it spices it up.")
Q. Describe your personal style
A. No. ("I don't think any of the other stuff really describes me very well.")
Q. Pick a TV show
A. Breaking Bad ("It's a very interesting story. It's complex. I don't like stories where you already know what's going to happen. Though I've gotta tell you, with all of his supposed love for his wife and son, rather than deciding to be a meth kingpin, he could've just trusted that the Lord would take care of his son and wife.")
"Who is that? I guess he's one of the prime suspects for killing the girl. He looks like he's a good-looking, clean-cut kid. Which means he doesn't at all resemble me."
Which Golden Girl Are You? – Taken by Westboro member Mara Phelps
Q, Pick a celebrity chef
A. Ina Garten ("Because I know that she works with a lot of fags, which is part of the reason this country has gotten itself into so much trouble with God.")
Q. Which Real Housewife opening quote do you most relate to?
A. 'I'm not afraid to say what everyone else is thinking.' ("Other people are pushing this concept that sodomy is OK, and I think a lot of people are afraid to say that it's not.")
Q. What is your favorite party game?
A. Truth or dare ("Because it forces people to tell the truth, and I think a lot of people are uncomfortable telling the truth.")
Q. Which social network do you spend the most time on?
A. Twitter ("I don't have any of these, but I have been on Twitter.")
Q. What would your superhero power be?
A. Flight ("Flying commercial to all these pickets is just no fun.")
Q. What do you look for in a lover?
A. Comfort ("I want my husband to comfort my spirit by reading true words from the Bible.")
Q. Which oddly specific Netflix category most appeals to you?
A. Romantic comedies based on classic literature ("I think of things from older centuries when it was more out in the open to talk about sin.")
Q. Pick a 2014 best picture nominee
A. Nebraska ("We have had some awesome pickets in Nebraska.")
Q. Which Disney Princess is your favorite?
A. Snow White ("She reminds me of a more innocent time.")
Q. Which Hogwarts house would you be sorted in to?
A. Slytherin ("Because everybody hates us.")
"I used to watch Golden Girls because I used to have to babysit in the 80s, and that was always on on a Friday night. I don't really remember this specific character though."
"What Country Do You Actually Belong In?" – Taken by Westboro member Jael Holroyd
Q. Which of the following is your favorite dish?
A. Homemade meat pie ("My husband is English and I made him some meat pasties. They turned out pretty darn good!")
Q. Choose the first word that speaks to you
A. Word ("Jesus Christ is the word.")
Q. Pick an animal
A. An eagle ("Isaiah 40, verse 31 says, 'Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles.'")
Q. What's the most important to you out of these?
A. Faith ("I'm reluctant to use the term because it's been misconstrued and perverted by people who pretend they care about the Lord.")
Q. Which sport could you watch/play forever?
A. Soccer ("We like to play soccer around here.")
Q. Which of these do you hate most?
A. Ignorance ("The scriptures contain answers to every single question you could want to know.")
Q. Pick one of these vices/sins/guilty pleasures:
A. A laptop ("But only using that for good purposes and preaching a good message.")
Q. Where do you wish you could teleport to right now?
A. Pizza ("God hates Holland, by the way.")
Q. Pick a color combination that appeals to you
A. Green and white ("Because it's pretty.")
Q. Choose an animal wearing a sweater
A. A calf ("Because he looks little and vulnerable and sweet.")
Q. What was the last thing you tripped on?
A. My own two feet ("I tripped the other day at work. A bunch of people were looking at me.")
Q. Which celebrity is your dream lunch date?
A. Richard Dawkins ("I wouldn't do a lot of listening, I would do a lot of talking.")
Q. How do you respond to problems?
A. I ask for help ("If you act on your own, you are going to do foolish and unwise things.")
Q. Pick a baby
A. A baby lifting weights ("Did you know 4,000 babies are murdered every day?")
"I feel a little disappointed because, several times in the scripture, Egypt is used to represent people who are against God."
Follow Jamie on Twitter.
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