Oh, Halloween. The worst night to get a cab and the best night to take home a slutty Disney princess. Is it really a holiday, since we don't get the day off from work? Of course it is, because when else could you get nudity in massive quantities, enough facepaint to excuse you for bringin home a five, and cauldrons full of shame the next day.
Before you skank-it-out at a house party, leave your credit card at the bar, or turn into a weirdo roaming graveyards, you'll have to pick out a Halloween costume interesting enough to spark a conversation with that five. You'll have to navigate the thin line between offensive enough to be clever and overcompensating with complete stupidity. For those not smart enough to use all three digits of their IQs, we've brought you a guide on what not to wear on Halloween, so when you only pick up your sexy pizza-slice costume off the floor the next morning and not also your dignity.
Who sells that? Amazon.
What’s it supposed to be? A “realistic black Kenyan man”—perfect for doing the Harlem Shake (um, what?).
Why shouldn’t I wear it? It’s racist.
What kind of person wears that? A bigot.
Who makes that? aleXsandro Palombo, for his website humorchic.com; a “daily society portrait blog, the best illustrated fashion chronicle, a point of view about costume, politics, culture, society, and celebrity. aleXsandro Palombo is the father of fashion satire, visionary artist, author, and critic.”
What’s it supposed to be? It’s a T-shirt of Amanda Knox holding a bloodstained knife.
Wasn’t she acquitted of murder? Yes.
What kind of person wears that? The kind of person who believes they are the “father of fashion satire.”
THIS SEXY CHILD COSTUME
Who sells that? Yandy.com, and absolutely everybody else.
Why? I have no idea. Surely it's the complete reverse of Halloween, in that this is a child showing up at your door offering you food?
What’s wrong with that? What’s right with it?
What kind of person wears that? Someone attracted to pedophiles.
THIS CHILD BRIDE
Who sells that? Fancydressball.co.uk, but it was probably made where a huge number of Halloween costumes are made—a cramped factory in China. Possibly by children.
What’s wrong with it? Oh, nothing. It’s really cute to dress your kid up as one of the hundreds of thousands of underage girls all over the world who are married off against their will to older men and raped. Spooky!
Isn’t that a bit of an overreaction? Maybe. Maybe not.
Who wears that? No one who is ever actually going to be married against their will to someone decades older than them.
THIS SEXY SESAME STREET COSTUME
Who sells that? Yandy.com, although they got some bad press for it so now the official costume is referred to as “puppet costume overalls” and the Ernie mask pops up as an add-on.
What’s wrong with it? It’s strange.
Why? Well as far as a lot of the world is concerned, Bert and Ernie are a gay couple.
Maybe those women are gay. It’s still weird. Also, what’s with the “skimpy” children’s outfit? Is this really what people want to jerk off to in 2013?
Who wears that? Probably no one. Actually, probably college freshmen.
THIS “ANNA REXIA” SKELETON OUTFIT
Who sells that? Halloweenparty13.com.
Why? Because it’s a good pun, I guess.
What’s wrong with it? It’s the skeleton of somebody who’s died from an eating disorder.
What kind of person wears that? Someone who enjoys repeating the phrase “Get it?!?!”
THIS “HOT DOG VENDOR DIRTY APRON” COSTUME
Who sells that? Escapade.
Why? Who knows.
What’s wrong with it? It's a hot dog made to look like a guy's penis and balls.
What kind of person wears that? Probably the boy you’ll end up making out with and flashing your nipples at. Be warned.
Follow Bertie on Twitter: @bertiebrandes
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