Photo by @sternshow
Listen. We are well aware that, musically, Nickelback and Lavigne “suck.” It’s music for people who do not actually like music. I get it. However, their marriage (which happened only 90 days ago) was big Canadian news and I am 100 percent behind it. Why? For the comedy. Earlier this week Howard Stern interviewed the couple. Along with the Stern interview, Chavril also released the music video for their first duet, "Let Me Go", which is off Lavigne’s fifth solo record. Yes, the video is something all Canadians need to watch (it’s our Canadian duty to witness our unfortunate pop music culture), but the Stern interview really puts a whole story to the Chavril image. I’m sorry, but if Avril’s bratty, I-don’t-give-a-fuck-I’m-chompin’-bubble-gum-like-a-cow “attitude” and Chad’s facial hair and thin, leather choker necklaces weren’t enough to let you know where these two rockers are at, then the Stern interview lays it all out. They get deep and personal, guys. I collected the highlights for you, just because.
Avril Says She used to Drink Mike’s Hard Lemonade During Class in High School 26:00
People love to hate on Avril Lavigne because of her childish, misconstrued idea of what it means to be “punk.” Nothing about Lavigne is punk. She is a calculated, corporate entity manifested by management and intelligent media machines. But, damn, the woman can perform. However, the Anti-Britney image spun for her during her debut years (and still carried through until now, over a decade later) makes most people want to throw a lamp at her head. To keep the “bad girl” vibes alive, Lavigne tells Stern she would run around the hallways at school and drink Mike’s Hard Lemonade. I repeat, Mike’s Hard Lemonade. She also claims she has “never done drugs.” Yeah. Me too, Avril. “I’ve only done cocaine ten to 15 times.”
Avril Excelled in P.E. But Got a 48 Percent in Music Class 27:00
We are still debating that she actually attended high school, but OK.
We Find Out They Keep Their Awards in Their Basement 30:49
Both Lavigne and Kroeger have been nominated, but never won a Grammy. (Someone call the wambulance.) In the interview, Lavigne blabs on about how when she was organizing her new desk in her and Chad’s new home, when she realized she really needs a Grammy. Chad offers to buy her one off eBay. Lavigne also admits that the couple keeps their awards (the ones they don’t care about like The Junos, The World Music Awards, The VMAs and The Teen Choice Awards) in the “pool room” or “the basement."
Avril Can’t Remember the Melody to the Song She Supposedly Wrote for Kelly Clarkson 32:47
Stern asks Lavigne why she didn’t keep the song “Break Away” she wrote, which ended up becoming a massive hit for Kelly Clarkson. Lavigne says she just was not feeling it. Stern asks her to play the song. She can’t remember the lyrics or the melody.
Stern Mentions Chad’s Ability to Suck His Own Cock 39:50
One of the coolest things about Kroeger is that he can suck his own dick. For real! He admitted it, like, a million years ago in Playboy. Stern throws this little tidbit into the discussion when Lavigne, Stern, and Kroeger start to talk about his penis size.
They Talk About How Often They Fuck (Spoiler Alert: They Did It Three Times on Thanksgiving) 39:41
You know how you know that people are really happy? They fuck each other a lot. You know how you know people are trying to prove they are really happy? They talk about how they fuck a lot. It wouldn’t be a Stern interview without some intimate sex details, so Chavril proudly let everyone know that Lavigne put on a really sexy get-up for Canadian Thanksgiving and that she and Kroeger had sex three times. Have fun with that image.
Lavigne Has Not Measured Kroger’s Penis...Yet 41:00
Lavigne says that Kroeger has the biggest penis she has ever seen. However, she has never measured it. Kroeger suggests that since they have five hours to kill between this interview and the People magazine shoot they have later in the day, that they should do that. I like to think that they did and put a photo of the event on Instagram.
Chavril Deeply Believe in Astrology 43:26
Yep. They both really, really believe in astrology and they think that Stern should be a Scorpio because he proposed to his wife in the nude. Stern does not believe in astrology, but nudity. (Swag.)