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Why Don’t Dudes Like My Crotchless Panties?
May 16 2013
My “weird” sex thing is crotchless panties. I’ve never had anal, I think 69'ing is stupid, and I’m not about to go around pissing on someone, even in the shower, unless, you know, I was, like, in love and he really, really begged for it. But I do enjoy wearing underpants with the important bits cut out, and when I say “enjoy,” I mean nothing else on this planet, not even nude Jake Johnson offering me a burrito, could make me hornier. There’s something about wearing something while having sex—even if it’s just lace around my hips—that really turns me on.
I first discovered this when I was about 23. Wanting to impress a boy I loved more than I’ve ever loved any boy before or since (so much he didn’t even have to beg), I bought a crotchless lace g-string and matching lace bra with the boob region cut out, garter belt, and thigh high tights from Ann Summers and surprised him on his birthday. (Budget option: take a pair of scissors to existing cotton briefs. BONUS: kill two birds with one stone by cutting out the crotch on pairs that have yellowed over time and you’ve been too lazy/cheap to throw out.) Don’t you wish your girlfriend was hot like me? Well, if we are to consider the men I’ve been with a representative sample for the population as a whole, no, you probably don’t. While that ex boyfriend was crazy about my penchant for negligible undies, others haven’t been so bonered-up by the idea.
The next long-term boyfriend I had wasn’t into it at all. I wore them for him once and he looked at me, top lip curled in scorn, blood rushing from his penis, and spat, “Who else have you worn those in front of?”
But he’s not the only one! I’ve brought the prospect up on two other occasions with more recent boyfriends and been told it “sounded stupid and weird,” with one guy even saying he’d probably just laugh at me if he saw me wearing sexy lingerie.I am truly, honestly baffled as to why a straight male in his “raging hormones” period of life wouldn’t want to see a woman— and moreover, the woman he regularly sleeps with—wearing itty-bitty panties with a cut out for him to stick his dick in. It’s perfect for lazy dudes! No need to even bother taking anything off, just slip it right in! More bang for your buck!
At this point I’ve stopped asking why guys don’t want to entertain my penchant for kinky underwear and started asking why they don’t. In a relationship ,sometimes both parties have to suck it up (be it cum or fucking a girl with crotchless panties) and do things they don’t necessarily enjoy in order to please their partner. All of the men mentioned above expected me to fulfill certain functions for them sexually; functions that weren’t always my favorite things to do, but I did regardless, because mostly I am too lazy to give blowjobs, but I know it would be mean to have a boyfriend and let such a selfish, sluggish thing get in the way of his having them. And yet, all of the men mentioned above flat out refused to meet my requests.
It’s inherently accepted in sex—even in what we deem “healthy” and “nonviolent” sexual relationships—that women will do things they don’t really love to please a man, like suck on his balls or go doggy style. In my experience, as well as the experiences of many women I speak with about sex regularly, there’s rarely even a polite question put forward before a man follows his impulses in the bedroom. That is to say, oftentimes a dude will just try and stick it up your butt without notice.
Yes, sex should be spontaneous and crazy sometimes—no one wants to feel like they have to ask their partner “Are you OK?” every 30 seconds—and it’s always great to have that level of trust with someone, but the fact remains that there’s still an imbalanced gender dynamic where sexual intimacy is concerned. Men aren’t expected to just do things they might not be that interested in because women want them; and yet, though it goes largely unsaid, a woman who refuses to flip over and take it from behind by a guy who took the liberty to shove her hips around that way is a prude, someone who is killing the mood, or collar-pullingly awkward. That dynamic exists, and I’m not saying it happens with malicious intent, or that it exists in every relationship, but generally, in heteronormative sexual relations, the balance of power still resides with the male, no matter what we tell ourselves.
I’m fed up with not being allowed to wear my favorite panties to bed. Maybe next time I’ll just wear them under my dress and when it’s time for the clothes to come off and the dude I’m with is faced with the HORROR! of porn-star panties, I’ll just scream “PUNK’D!” and jump on top of him regardless.
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