doctors on Vice

Bollocks to the Hippocratic Oath

People Are Awful at Suicide

In general, failing at death is worse than failing at life. If you shoot yourself through the head at the wrong angle you end up retarded. Jump from one floor too low and you're paralyzed for life. One mouthful short of bleach and you’ll have to wait for your stomach to slowly melt. Full story

Bollocks to the Hippocratic Oath

I Made a Baby

I always regale you with stories of death, disease, sexual perversity, and self-destruction. But sometimes there is a fleeting reprieve in the otherwise grim monotony of bodily failure. Last week I delivered my first baby! Full story

Things I Have Fished Out of People's Butts

Bedposts, doorknobs, mayonnaise jars, candles, a small pistol, a grocery and newspaper combo, a 12-inch long and 8-inch wide salami, tennis balls, an aluminum tube, axe handles, soldering irons, and a frozen pig's tail to name a few. Full story

Bollocks to the Hippocratic Oath

Fat Chance

Worst of all, your chances of getting laid are not only reduced by looking like shit, but it would be quite a feat to get your 40-inch wide leg over, when your dick has long since been engulfed. Get fat, and your own body mass swallows your penis and turns you into a toilet. Full story

Bollocks to the Hippocratic Oath

What I Know About Death

I haven’t cried for a patient in over five years. I worry I’ve become a cold-hearted bitch who makes small children scream, jabs old ladies with needles, and remains unfazed in the face of relentless suffering. Full story

Bollocks to the Hippocratic Oath

The Voices in My Head Are Telling Me to Bathe in Shit

A 30-year-old woman came into ER last week covered from head to toe in her own shit. She was very attached to it. Every time we tried to wipe any of it away she would flail and scream, agonized. Full story

Bollocks to the Hippocratic Oath

How to Drink Until Your Ass Bleeds

He drank so much he had scoured the inside of his stomach raw with ulcers, which were bleeding out so quickly it ran straight through the 6.5m of his gut, mixed with shit and leaked all over the street. Full story

Bollocks to the Hippocratic Oath

What Not to Do for an Erection

The wince-making shame of trying to push an increasingly flaccid penis into an ever more impatient pussy is undeniable. But the valiant lengths men go to in desperation can have painful consequences. Full story

This Housewife Got a Slug Stuck in Her Vagina

People are perverts set on finding new ways of fucking themselves up, usually in the misguided pursuit of pleasure. And there is very little I can do as a doctor to stop them. Full story

How Much Coke Is Bad for Me?

A dentist friend treated a woman who had done so much cocaine it had rotted a hole between her nose and mouth, as well as perforating her septum. This woman had a 1" by .5" wide black rancid pit on the roof of her mouth, through which her rotting nose would drip. Her mouth was he… Full story