Hot Dog and the Lady Bun - Long-Distance Lovers

Dear Hot Dog and the Lady Bun,
There's someone who might even be "The One" but she lives so far away it might as well be China. OK, it is China. All we have is "virtual" dates. How can we keep this going when the internet finally decides to censor real love? Or is this a hopeless cause?

Hot Dog Mails You a Don’t Care Package

Dating someone who’s far away is harder than dating someone who’s really into ska (but there’s a lot less shitty puns). You spend 50 percent of your time being lonely and the other 50 percent trying to figure out how to FaceTime your crotch. Of course, there are certain advantages to having a long-distance lover: They’ll never know that you spend most of your nights in Sleepless in Seattle-themed footy pajamas; but that’s usually cancelled out by all the lonely masturbating. Here’s a few ways to make it seem like that faraway lover is so close they can smell your farts:

• Pretend that your lover is not in another country but in jail! Schedule conjugal visits with an inmate at a real jail to make it “feel more real.”
• Why not cook a meal that’s native to the country they’re in (it’s usually “lasagna” or “Russian lasagna”) and eat it alone? (I don’t know much about food.)
• Why not buy a body pillow and draw your lover’s face on it? This is known in Loneliness Circles as “Pulling a Roseanne.”

People bail on long-distance relationships faster than you can say “ButtHerScotch ChocolateDick” (that’s my OKCupid username, look me up!). Here are some good responses if your partner asks you to take a break while you’re away:

• “Absence makes the heart go stronger! And airplane bottles make me feel like HULK! Sorry, I’m drunk with Hobos.”
• “If you leave me you’re just gonna meet some French guy and he’ll measure his penis in centimeters, which is super sad.”
• “Think of it less of a long-distance relationship and more of a relationship with an imaginary friend like Gumby or a smart Katy Perry.”

Lady Bun Splits Her Time With You

The band Cinderella once sang, “Don’t Know What You’ve Got Till It’s Gone.” Turns out they were actually talking about chlamydia (then known as 80’s burn), but the lyrics can also apply to missing a boyfriend or pet. See, with the exception of being in line at a Quiznos, physical distance is tough on the soul, but it’s not impossible to conquer. The trick to having these types of relationships work is to make the person believe you’re always around when you’re not—sort of like a deadbeat dad or the police in my shitty neighborhood.

• Not around to nag him? Why not send him a mixtape of your favorite complaints that he can listen to at home? Try the popular hits, “Why Don’t You Like Going Out with My Friends?” and “I Feel Like We Never Make Out.”
• Miss snuggling? Make him a pillowcase stuffed with your hair! It’s creepy, but there’s really no other way to get your hair on everything he owns, which everyone knows is the third most important part of being a girlfriend.
• Be the literal ball and chain! Hire someone to come to his house when he’s sleeping to strap a ball with your current body weight to his ankle. He won’t be able to go much further than he already is!

Reassuring him you’re there won’t mean anything unless you vocalize it. After all, absence may make the heart grow fonder, but silence is deadly. This also applies to gas leaks, FYI.

• “You’re always in my heart. Hope you don’t mind being roommates with high cholesterol!”
• “Why let distance tear us apart when our crippling insecurities can take care of that?”
• “I dream of you every night, except usually you look like this other dude I work with named Steve.”

Previously - Two for One

@kurtbraunohler and @albz