I know for a fact that incarceration is about as cool as an explosive wet fart shooting out my asshole, but what about rehab? Is there a chance that it could be somewhat kinda a lil’ bit better, maybe? Lots of hardened criminals are notorious for having a “fuck rehab, I’d rather do the time” attitude, but me? I don’t really know… After spending over six years locked the fuck up, rehab sounds kinda neat…
In New York, as in much of the country, there has been a push for rehabilitation instead of incarceration over the past few years. Whatever the reason for the trend, clever criminals with drug charges should be jerking off for joy. What gets my undies in a bunch, though, is that if I were to commit the same crime of cocaine possession with intent that I got caught for in 2004 under the current penal code, instead of getting a three to nine year sentence it's very likely I’d get rehab and/or probation—but that Rockefeller law bullshit is sticking to me since my C felony status is non-appealable. I’m assed-out like Prince’s pants. These cocksuckers from parole are still poking their pudgy noses into my private affairs while violent offenders and kid-fuckers get less time than I did and are free to punch, kick, rob, and diddle while I languish in unbonerable anguish.
I know it’s a little late for me to play the sympathy card after all the unabashed fucking up I’ve been doin’ for the last 20 or so years, but does anyone out there not think it’s a lil’ bit fruit loops that I’ve been prohibited to drink or do any drugs for the last eight and counting years, and that getting caught doing so is punishable by incarceration?
Anyway, there’s a lot of disinformation about prison floating around in the real world, but the same can be said of rehab—Intervention-type shows give people the impression that everyone in rehab is on the verge of death, whereas it’s actually filled with heads trying to stay the fuck outta jail. In a lot of ways, it’s just another moneymaking racket. They invented all these terms and descriptions that conveniently box anyone who drinks or uses drugs into the same miserable category of “drug addict.” Even if you’ve never had any negative consequences from drug use other than getting ass-blasted by Johnny Law, these cocksuckers will call you a “functional addict.” I call them "functional fuckfaces." As usual, the moral of the story is “don’t get caught,” since then you won’t have some douche-sucking cumquat label you anything.
Until my three to nine is completed, every day I spend in the real world is a beyond bonerable blessing—and I guess even if I’m cooped up in rehab that’s a step close to real life and a step away from the stinkin’ clink-clink, lo mein Liu Kang? Just like stepping out of jail after a little bit makes your skin shine, I bet emerging from the dusty depths of rehab after a few months will make a cracker like me dipped megafresh to death with a diesel dick ready to unleash pent-up stress.
The big difference is that in rehab there are chicks. Dudes get real excited about the possibility of receiving some monster neck off these funky backyard blowjob broads, but I’ll pass on the crackhead pussy and be content to scope some decent eye candy. Truth be told, I’d rather look at some busted bitch’s titties than stare at Murda Mike’s ass chillin’ above his jail-orange polyester pants that he fashionably wears somewhere around his ankles. That’s a jail style that’s gotta go. Why are dudes presenting their asses when they are surrounded by just a bunch of men? At least in rehab, the ladies might appreciate the manbutt cleavage.
Bert Burykill is the pseudonym of our prison correspondent, who has spent time in a number of prisons in New York State. He tweets here.
Previously - Rappin' Wif RockBottom