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The Down & Out Issue

Games

Almost as boring as playing golf.
SD
Κείμενο Syrup Davies
1.12.03

Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2004

Publisher: Electronic Arts

Developer: EA Sports

Platform: PS2, Xbox, GameCube

Genre: Sports

Rating: All ages

I hate golf and I don’t even particularly like video games but about four years ago, on a drunken whim, I bought the first PS2 Tiger Woods game. What an idiot, right?

I mean, even the design on the box was so boring it took me about six months to actually play it but then I ended up getting SOO obsessed with this game that it ended up significantly changing my life (I failed university and lost all my friends).

ΔΙΑΦΗΜΙΣΗ

Yes, many of my countless shortcomings can be traced back to those incredible all-day Tiger tournaments, to those quick pre-work practice rounds and the intense rivalry between me and my brown-skinned neighbour Nital. I loved that guy.

Anyway, I digress. The real reason why I like this game so much is because I’m a fucking pothead and Tiger Woods Golf is perfect for getting ripped up on marijuana. Don’t believe me? Here’s why:

The action moves slowly enough that you can leisurely roll joints in between shots.

You can turn off the sound and put on trippy music without this detracting from the game.

You can walk out of the room in the middle of a tourney, forget you’re playing and when you return three hours later, your player (mine’s called ASSMAN) will be calmly standing there, politely awaiting your commands.

Sometimes, like, when you’re really high, it’s like your guy’s saying weird funny shit to himself. Heh heh.

The colours look really fucking nice.

The noise the ball makes when it goes in the hole is sweet.

So, the 2004 edition is basically just another upgraded version but there are way more courses (real ones, not the shitty made-up ones there were in 2003) and gazillions more players. Oh shit, I forgot! It’s even better! In this new one, you can actually create your own player dude! Not only can you choose their outfits and clubs, but you can also mould their face by adjusting nose length, hairstyle and colour, eye width and about 30 other characteristics. Mine didn’t come out so good because I’m far too good-looking for that shit, but my flatmate’s player was his exact double. He’s fuggin ugly.

Anyway, if you already own last year’s game, then, like me, you’re probably addicted and will inevitably buy this one anyways. If you don’t own any of them, you should get this one just for the cool features you can’t get in the old one. Ummm, like the fact that fucking DMX is on the soundtrack? What’s with that little curveball? Like, DMX fans on the fairway?!!! What the fuck? I thought you had to have a mental age of at least 14 to be accepted into a respectable golf club these days.

SYRUP DAVIES