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The Hopelessness Issue

You Will Never Be as Rich as These Pets

You’re going to die a poor, sad schmuck. But do you know who is rich? Animals! The following pets are all millionaires, and you’re still trying to use that expired student ID to get two bucks off at the movies on Tuesday night.
Brian Moylan
Κείμενο Brian Moylan

Photo by iStockphoto/darak77

When you’re about to be kicked out of your squat and are scanning the sidewalk for enough change to buy some ramen noodles, you always dream that someday you’ll somehow land in a fat pile of dough. Maybe it’ll be the lottery, or a personal-injury lawsuit, or a trust fund your parents forgot to tell you about. Hate to break it to you, but it’s never going to happen. You’re going to die a poor, sad schmuck.


But do you know who is richer than you? Yes, a bunch of fat right-wing white guys, pasty tech geniuses in hoodies, and shady Russian oligarchs, but also a lot of animals. Yes, animals! The following pets are all millionaires, and you’re still trying to use that expired student ID to get two bucks off at the movies on Tuesday night. And you know what? That’s just the way the world works. Might as well accept it and move on.

Gunther IV: Worth $373 million
This German shepherd—the world’s richest dog—inherited his money from his father, who was left $80 million in 1991 by his owner, German countess Karlotta Liebenstein. The other $300 million came from money his trustees made in investments. Yeah, he has people who work for him. He also owns Madonna’s old Miami mansion. How many of you are wondering if you can marry a dog?

Toby Rimes: Worth $80 million
The rich keep getting richer. Toby’s great-great-great-dogfather, the original Toby, was the pampered poodle of crazy rich lady Ella Wendel, who left him all her money when she died in 1931. The endowment, passed from dog to dog ever since, has been growing as your chances of getting a job dwindle.

Luke, Layla, Sunny, Lauren, and Sadie: Worth $30 million
Oprah Winfrey won’t even give us one of her favorite things, but her will reportedly provides a fortune for whatever dogs she leaves behind when she dies. That is, if Oprah is not immortal, which I find hard to believe.


Tommasino: Worth $15 million
Rags-to-riches stories do come true, but only if you’re a stray that wanders into Italian real estate scion Maria Assunta’s house where you purr your way into the will. But you’re a human. You’ll get arrested if you try that. You’re screwed.

Conchita, April Maria, and Lucia: Worth $11 Million
These three yipping pooches (a Chihuahua, a Maltese, and a Yorkshire terrier) got a $3 million trust and a Miami mansion (which just sold for more than $8 million) from crazy rich lady Gail Posner. Her own son only got $1 million and contested the will, alleging that her aides drugged her with pain pills and tried to steal her money. Florida!

Gigoo: Worth $10 million
British publishing heir Miles Blackwell made a fortune selling textbooks. Then he left it all to a chicken. There is a rich chicken out there in the world. Open a vein now.

Bring a box of tissues and read more from our Hopelessness Issue:

The Secret Drinker’s Handbook

Don’t Get Caught

The Right to Die Is the Right to Live