VICE Presents The People's Lists - Part 1

Excerpted from

The New Book of Lists

by David Wallechinsky and Amy Wallace.

ILLUSTRATIONS BY LAURA PARK

The unicellular bacterium,

Trichonympha

, which lives in the intestines of wood-eating cockroaches, is completely bisexual. The sexual act is performed when the cell playing the male role enters the rear of the female through a special plasma zone and the two cells fuse. Which bacteria will play what sex role is determined by the number of pigment spots on each; the one with more spots becomes the female and the one with fewer, the male. However, in another instance of mating, the

Trichonympha

that previously played the female role may find its spots outnumbered and be forced into performing the male role.

The head and brain of the palolo worm (

Eunice

), which lives in corals reefs, never participate whatsoever in the worm’s own sexual life. The worm ties off its rear segments, where the male and female sexual products are located. This rear end then breaks off from the worm’s body and swims to the surface to join other rear ends. They all empty out their products and then die. Meanwhile, the worm’s head and brain, still underwater, grow a new rear section, to repeat the process once again according to the phases of the moon.

Bedbugs (

Cimex

) achieve sexual intercourse when the male pierces a hole in the female’s back by means of a spike on the front of his penis. He ejaculates into this hole, where his sperm swim around in the female’s blood until they reach her ovaries. The fertilized eggs then develop into embryos, which are born alive.

Male beetle mites (

Oribatei

) deposit large quantities of their spermatophores on the ground, not caring whether a female is in the area. If a female should happen along, she will pick up a few of these fungoidlike growths and deposit them in her reproductive organ. When a male and female beetle mite pass by each other, they make no signs of recognition.

Male flatworms have a multifunctional penis. It comes out of their mouth, is equipped with spikes and poison glands, and, in addition to its sexual function, is used to catch prey.

The male honeybee’s sole function seems to be to have sex once with the queen. The males, or drones, are born only from unfertilized eggs. Females, however, are the products of fertilized eggs. Whether or not a female will grow into a sterile worker or a fertile queen is determined by the diet she receives during development. The female workers must feed the drones, and once the drones have had sex with the queen, the workers unceremoniously eject the males from the hive to die outside.

Male bearded tits, a common European bird, select their mates by pecking and plucking at likely females. If the female tolerates a male’s abuse, the two soon become paired and fly away from the rest of the flock. For the rest of their lives, they do not lose sight of each other for more than a moment.

Flamingos gather by the millions on East African salt lakes to perform their courtship ritual. The males congregate to one side and engage in elaborate dances. The females look on, trying to choose their mates. One by one, the females go up to the males of their choice and perform a mutual wing-stretching, bowing ritual. The pair then wade into the water, where the male jumps onto the female’s back, almost submerging her head, and begins to copulate.

Indian cobras engage in mock combat prior to copulation. They fling themselves at each other; the female struggles violently as the male attempts to place his body next to hers. Eventually, they arrange themselves with their heads and necks raised from the ground and, for an hour or more, strike at each other. The female signals her submission by laying her head on the ground, at which time the male brings one of his two penises into contact with her reproductive organ. Copulation lasts anywhere from two minutes up to a whole day.

For many turtles, the courting period is marked by a ceremony in which the two stand facing each other, slowly nodding their heads up and down and from side to side for hours at a time. Eventually, the male takes the initiative and places the female’s head in his mouth. Later, he sucks on her feet one at a time. The position for copulation varies among species of turtle. Some males mount the female and steady themselves by biting her back, while others have to rear up to an almost vertical position before penetration is possible.

Octopuses mate facing each other, but their sex organs never touch. The male ejaculates onto one of his tentacles and then uses the tentacle to introduce the sperm into the female’s reproductive organ. California sea lions are voyeurs; they are stimulated by the sight of other sea lions performing sex. Oftentimes, this is the only form of sexual gratification for the younger males since the older ones jealously guard their harems. During the mating season, which lasts two months, the older males are expected to satisfy the sexual needs of their harem. Copulation may last an hour or longer as the pair float just below the surface of the water. Once one affair is completed, the male must hurry ashore to begin again with a new female. Among beavers, the female initiates sexual intercourse. When she has found a suitable mate, she signals her intentions by secreting a yellowish oily substance called castoreum from a gland located between her anus and genitals. The male follows suit, and as long as he shows her the proper respect—she may have to box his ears from time to time—they will probably remain together for the rest of their lives. At mating time, the female emits a scent that stimulates the male. They glide into the water and, face to face, copulate as they swim slowly forward. Male giraffes use their skin-covered horns only for fighting with a rival over a female. For their part, the females seem lackadaisical about sex. When prodded by a male, a female will urinate so that he may test the urine to see if she is in her estrus (ovulating). Oftentimes a female will simply walk away during copulation, sending the unwary male plummeting to the ground. Rhinoceroses use their brute force to test the strength of each other before mating. For hours on end, they charge one another, their 2,000 pounds or more attaining speeds of up to 35 mph. Once the female is certain she has a worthy mate, she will instigate copulation. The male mounts her from the back and penetrates her with his two-foot-long penis. They continue to have sex for about an hour and a half, with the male sometimes ejaculating every 10 minutes. Despite their size, elephants are among the most gentle lovers in the animal kingdom. Every three to six months, both males and females experience a period of musth, during which they seek out a mate. Musth is an emotional state brought on by the temporal gland, located just beneath the skin midway between the ear and the eye. The gland becomes swollen and secretes a dark, strong-smelling substance that stains the lower part of the face. Once an elephant has found a suitable mate, the two will begin to flirt. The male offers the female food or squirts water over her back as she looks on nonchalantly. Finally, usually after a month, the female gives in and the male mounts her from the rear, gradually rising to an almost vertical position as he achieves full penetration. Afterward, the pair entwine trunks and swish their tails.