Jeff Johnson Presents Fun with Old Sportscards

Rumor has it, you're looking for someone to fuck a pizza. Well, I'm your guy. Hey, Karen. So, are we gonna get your mom that robe at Macy’s or what? I’m just afraid they’re going to run out if we wait. Yeah… yeah… I know. But this was supposed to be special, you know? What’s the matter, Kitten? Look at me. Look at me. I was just thinking of you. Yeah. Just was maybe going to take a bath. Had a couple glasses of Sauvignon Blanc and a cheeseburger at Friar Tuck’s—the piano guy was dynamite, by the way—came home, and was looking at some old photo albums. And I was thinking of maybe taking the boat out…What? No, (laughs). Not now! Silly… Wait, what’s the matter with now? If I feel like boating right now, I will take it out and there’s not anything you can do, because You. Don’t. Care. Right? Isn’t that what this is about? Isn’t it? You got your way… And… I’m sorry. That’s not why I called. Listen…. Listen…. I’m not as tough as people think I am. I’m not just Manitowoc’s number one pest control guy. I don’t have life whipped. At least, not since you left. I’m sorry but I’m not waiting 90 minutes to get into the Steven Alan sample sale. We’re on the fucking Rams now, have some dignity. Baseball is going great, man. I bring in spreadable cheese and crackers, just for fun, you know, like once a week. Into the clubhouse. And the guys wolf them down and it… it’s like I am not even there. I’m just here all alone in my sweat-jacket. No one within twenty feet of me. Nobody has talked to me all fucking game. Was I in the line-up today? Did the day end in “y”? Yeah, then no. I wasn’t in the line-up. What? I feel amazing. Best shape of my career. I did monitors for Stone Temple Pilots all summer. You think they’re jerks? Their tour manager was like Dick Cheney. Little Napoleon-complex-having motherfucker. I don’t recognize the government of the United States, and therefore I do not pay taxes on the land I own, and if you want to come out to the land I own, and I have not invited you to that land, then you do so at your own peril. Maroon. Saturn. Wagon. I’ve got the Fine Young Cannibals Greatest Hits. I’ve got a frozen pizza. All of my laundry is done. And I’ve got the whole night ahead of me. The whole freakin’ night. If you do drugs, I will be right there with you. If you skip school I will be right there with you. Take a shit. I am in the stall next to you pretending to grunt. Sneeze. Ditto. I am onto your games, Jack. No more B.S. My Lhasa Apso had a urinary tract infection and you fucked it up. That happened on your watch. Is she dead now? No. Is she okay? Yes. But still. Aw gosh. I did a lot of the backend work on Pepcid AC’s first Flash site. Kinda approached it as a user. That’s my technique. I know you hate church. That’s why I am saying you should come to my church. Stay out of the men’s room for a couple hours, OK? Oh. Yeah. I totally get what you’re talking about. Yeah. No. Yeah. It’s. Yup. I have a secret. God, I fucking hate this. Oh shit. He’s getting ready to throw it. Get me the hell out of here. Everybody’s watching. Jesus. He’s throwing it so hard. Why? What the fuck, man. Get me outta here. I have no idea when to swing the bat. God this sucks. I gotta pass on that. Yep. Sorry. Your cousins are jackasses. Never liked ‘em. It’s called the Husband & Wife. We both got the same haircut. And it was $17.99 a piece and then we went out for a salad afterwards. Just a big sea salad, with scallops and olives and it was mega spicy. Didn't catch your name there, shithead.