Resident Evil 4
Genre: Action / Horror
When did video games start to get good again? All year I’ve been pissing away my life playing shit like Gran Tursimo 89, Gloria Hunniford’s Happy Shopper 5 and Sandy Lyle’s Extreme Golf Wars then being all miserable and moaning about them in this column.
I was so down on games that even though everybody in the world was raving about this one I didn’t believe the hype. The old Resident Evil games had a good premise and some pretty decent scary moments but there were SOOO many things wrong about them that no matter how big Nemesis’ balls were they just didn’t justify the hype or the legions of drooling fangirls.
Maybe it’s because when you revisit those games you wonder how it was humanly possible to sit there, bored stupid in the vain hope that, soon, you’d be able to get past the bit where you walk around the mansion on your own for six hours, cringing with boredom every time you have to endure that fucking cut scene with the brown door creaking open and shut. And for what? So the Down Syndrome Nemesis would appear every day or so and kick the shit out of you because of your total lack of weapons? Or so you could match the key to the door that fits the jewel that fell out of the painting above the fireplace? Great.
The people behind Res Evil were obviously so embarrassed by the old games that they’ve made the new one fit to stand alongside God Of War and San Andreas, the best games ever made. They’ve taken elements and characters from classic horror movies and put them all together in this super violent, scary classic. Horror fans will recognise scenes and characters stolen from Jaws, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Fly, Zombie Flesh Easters and Raiders Of The Lost Ark. The action and controls are literally 87,569 times better than before and, wow, there are moments when you get that rare wobbly feeling of terror that horror entertainment is meant to give you. Seriously, the last chapter when you meet up with these gorilla zombie aliens made me fart out of fear. I played this for 28 hours straight and I still want more. Here it is: next to God Of War this is game of the year.
Aah fuck it, this is better than God Of War.
Genre: Bling racer You’ll love this game as much as you love all that bling blang blong you see on MTV Beats N Rhymes. Playas playing the game and making mad stacks, partying with bitches up in mansions in Maui. Niggas making power moves and holding it down for their fallen soldiers. Btw, how about that Pussycat Dolls video featuring Busta Rhymes? If that’s your idea of heaven then this new take on Midway Games’ undisputed arcade racer classic will have your slackjaw hitting the floor of your lowrider Heroes Of The Pacific
Genre: War flyer This could be easier and a lot more fun. You have to play for ages on this annoying tuition level, where actually shooting down a plane takes about three minutes. Three minutes? If your game is about supposed authenticity then how come it takes so long to kill your enemy? What else? Graphics are three years old. Game play is like the flying bits in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas only not as fun. Great. While we’re on the subject of Rockstar Games, they want us to mention that their version of The Warriors (which is out soon) is basically an updated, all out war version of the classic Streets Of Rage franchise that first came out in the early 90s. We had a preview of it recently and the graphics are super clean, the action is super violent and the play while you’re drunk with friends factor is very high.