ESCAPISTS
Dear Vice, I was fucking blown away by the interviews with North Korean refugees in your last issue, not so much by the general awfulness all three of the refugees describe (sort of no-duh there, but still shocking to think that you never see this stuff in the mainstream press), but by the last guy’s mention of the koseibi kids during the most recent famine and 918 corpse-cleanup crew. That part gave me chills of dread/excitement on par with first seeing pictures of the Holocaust or finding out about punk. Every documentary and article I’ve ever seen about life in NK has focused on all the same state-approved/-arranged weirdness without even hinting at these kind of hidden little cultural tidbits that you know have to exist and must be amazing to foreign eyes and ears. I can only hope that someone over there is keeping a secret record of everything the government has been hiding and that someday we’ll be able to look at all these facets of their culture. Anyways, thanks, you guys. It was a nice little head trip, BEN SHLOSS
Arlington, VA GREATEST SHOW ON EARTH
Hi Vice, Thanks for putting together the Boredoms’ Boadrum77. I was one of the people who got in and despite losing my girlfriend at the gate (and almost for good when I decided not to leave and join her outside), it really was one of the best performances I’ve ever been to. Last night I was having dinner with my family and trying to explain it to my 85-year-old gram, who had this whole spiritual awakening in the 60s kind of like Homer’s mom on that episode of The Simpsons and has since tried to keep up with interesting kid stuff to a healthy degree. I thought I was doing a good job conveying the scale of the show and how crazy and awesome it was to feel the beats and guitar-gong blasts rippling through your body, because she started to smile really big and move forward in her seat like she wanted to interrupt. Suddenly she said, “You know, I went to something exactly like that. I was visiting a friend in Asheville, North Carolina, and we stopped by this park right at sundown and there were all these people with drums all playing the same rhythm. It really was moving.” For the next five or so minutes I tried to explain the difference between what the Boredoms put together and a fucking Ashevillian hippie drum circle, but she just kept nodding “I know” and “Exactly.” It was possibly the most frustrated I have ever felt in my life. Ironically enough, it did make me empathize with all those 60s hippies whose parents “just didn’t get it.” Sort of like giving the finger to one of those infinity mirrors. Does that make sense? K. ANDERSON
Philadelphia, PA Your gram is clearly an ignorant old bag! Just kidding, just kidding. Listen, to her the shitty hippie drum circle really was as mind-blowing as the Boredoms were to you. It’s called relativity. You don’t have to out-Pitchfork your grandma. Just let her have her moment, Scrooge McDrums. PRIVATE INVESTIGATORS Could you investigate the pheromonal additives in perfumes? Do they smell like sweat? Do they, in theory, make you more attractive to the same sex if you wear the wrong kind? Your help in the matter would be greatly appreciated by me and many other horny nerds. Thank you, DOTTY FACEY
Via email What are we, your own personal Jessica Fletcher? Do your own detective work. Jesus. I guess now that there’s Google and Wikipedia, we’re lucky anyone turns to magazines for any info on anything at all ever. But still, what’s wrong with you? Are your wrists broken? SIR, OUTSTANDING KICKS, SIR!
Hey, I just wanna tell you that I’ve enjoyed your magazine even though I got like 2 issues outta the 12 since I’ve spent the last 14 months in Afghanistan fighting ragheadz! I got some crazy pics. Being a sneaker-head out here doesn’t help, since I missed out on all these kicks and graff. Anyhow I enjoyed that DVD and book you made about the shittiest places in the world. The Pakistani trucks in the pictures are the same as Afghan jingle trucks—they are so crazyyyyyyyy. Anyways, thanks again. SGT. ALEX R.
Afghanistan Remember back when sergeants were the kind of guys who could bend steel with their bare hands while reciting the complete works of Thomas Paine and drawing you a diagram of how to best fold a dress shirt? Apparently now they are into sneakers, graffiti, and, um, Vice. No wonder we’re going to lose the war in Iraq. SHOECADEMIA
Hi, Anthony Cady here. Professor of footwear/shoe design at FIT in NYC. Think Tim Gunn, only not gay or polite. Also made (with my two hands) shoes for Jay “Motherfucker” McCarroll’s runway show last fall. A story idea: limited-edition Nikes—their real value/cost, $30 in labor/materials + $1,000 hype? Better yet an entire issue on shoes! Best, ANTHONY CADY, FIT ACCESSORY DESIGN DEPARTMENT
New York, NY We’ll put out the Sneaker Issue right after we do the Over Our Dead, Ass-Raped, Upside-Down-Crucified Bodies Issue. (Thanks for writing!) URGENT, URGENT—EMERGENCY
Vice, The welcome screen on your website has a map that shows Bolivia and Chile as one country. Could you look into this? DEAN MCLURE
Via email No. THE TRUMP CARD
Dear Vice, I was introduced to your magazine by my cousin, the leader of the Seattle garage-punk band, the Pulses. He mentioned that your magazine is the hip magazine of indie and youth culture. When checking out the magazine’s subject matter, we realized that your magazine would be perfect for doing an article on finger jousting. If you haven’t heard of the sport, it’s an obscure sport similar to arm wrestling mixed with fencing mixed with jousting. You can find all of the information you need on our website, fingerjoust.com. If you guys are interested in the sport and would like to do an article, interview, or something, feel free to contact me. Your magazine sounds like it has the perfect demographics, and I think your readers would get a kick out of it. Thank you for your time and may the joust be with you. Cordially, JULIAN R. GLUCK, LORD OF THE JOUST, PRESIDENT OF THE WFJF
Via email I started to try and think of something clever to write in reply to this but you know what? You stumped me. I have no idea how to come back at such a stupid idea. You win, I guess.
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](mailto:stuff@viceaustralia.com)Letters are edited for length._**
Dear Vice, I was fucking blown away by the interviews with North Korean refugees in your last issue, not so much by the general awfulness all three of the refugees describe (sort of no-duh there, but still shocking to think that you never see this stuff in the mainstream press), but by the last guy’s mention of the koseibi kids during the most recent famine and 918 corpse-cleanup crew. That part gave me chills of dread/excitement on par with first seeing pictures of the Holocaust or finding out about punk. Every documentary and article I’ve ever seen about life in NK has focused on all the same state-approved/-arranged weirdness without even hinting at these kind of hidden little cultural tidbits that you know have to exist and must be amazing to foreign eyes and ears. I can only hope that someone over there is keeping a secret record of everything the government has been hiding and that someday we’ll be able to look at all these facets of their culture. Anyways, thanks, you guys. It was a nice little head trip, BEN SHLOSS
Arlington, VA GREATEST SHOW ON EARTH
Hi Vice, Thanks for putting together the Boredoms’ Boadrum77. I was one of the people who got in and despite losing my girlfriend at the gate (and almost for good when I decided not to leave and join her outside), it really was one of the best performances I’ve ever been to. Last night I was having dinner with my family and trying to explain it to my 85-year-old gram, who had this whole spiritual awakening in the 60s kind of like Homer’s mom on that episode of The Simpsons and has since tried to keep up with interesting kid stuff to a healthy degree. I thought I was doing a good job conveying the scale of the show and how crazy and awesome it was to feel the beats and guitar-gong blasts rippling through your body, because she started to smile really big and move forward in her seat like she wanted to interrupt. Suddenly she said, “You know, I went to something exactly like that. I was visiting a friend in Asheville, North Carolina, and we stopped by this park right at sundown and there were all these people with drums all playing the same rhythm. It really was moving.” For the next five or so minutes I tried to explain the difference between what the Boredoms put together and a fucking Ashevillian hippie drum circle, but she just kept nodding “I know” and “Exactly.” It was possibly the most frustrated I have ever felt in my life. Ironically enough, it did make me empathize with all those 60s hippies whose parents “just didn’t get it.” Sort of like giving the finger to one of those infinity mirrors. Does that make sense? K. ANDERSON
Philadelphia, PA Your gram is clearly an ignorant old bag! Just kidding, just kidding. Listen, to her the shitty hippie drum circle really was as mind-blowing as the Boredoms were to you. It’s called relativity. You don’t have to out-Pitchfork your grandma. Just let her have her moment, Scrooge McDrums. PRIVATE INVESTIGATORS Could you investigate the pheromonal additives in perfumes? Do they smell like sweat? Do they, in theory, make you more attractive to the same sex if you wear the wrong kind? Your help in the matter would be greatly appreciated by me and many other horny nerds. Thank you, DOTTY FACEY
Via email What are we, your own personal Jessica Fletcher? Do your own detective work. Jesus. I guess now that there’s Google and Wikipedia, we’re lucky anyone turns to magazines for any info on anything at all ever. But still, what’s wrong with you? Are your wrists broken? SIR, OUTSTANDING KICKS, SIR!
Hey, I just wanna tell you that I’ve enjoyed your magazine even though I got like 2 issues outta the 12 since I’ve spent the last 14 months in Afghanistan fighting ragheadz! I got some crazy pics. Being a sneaker-head out here doesn’t help, since I missed out on all these kicks and graff. Anyhow I enjoyed that DVD and book you made about the shittiest places in the world. The Pakistani trucks in the pictures are the same as Afghan jingle trucks—they are so crazyyyyyyyy. Anyways, thanks again. SGT. ALEX R.
Afghanistan Remember back when sergeants were the kind of guys who could bend steel with their bare hands while reciting the complete works of Thomas Paine and drawing you a diagram of how to best fold a dress shirt? Apparently now they are into sneakers, graffiti, and, um, Vice. No wonder we’re going to lose the war in Iraq. SHOECADEMIA
Hi, Anthony Cady here. Professor of footwear/shoe design at FIT in NYC. Think Tim Gunn, only not gay or polite. Also made (with my two hands) shoes for Jay “Motherfucker” McCarroll’s runway show last fall. A story idea: limited-edition Nikes—their real value/cost, $30 in labor/materials + $1,000 hype? Better yet an entire issue on shoes! Best, ANTHONY CADY, FIT ACCESSORY DESIGN DEPARTMENT
New York, NY We’ll put out the Sneaker Issue right after we do the Over Our Dead, Ass-Raped, Upside-Down-Crucified Bodies Issue. (Thanks for writing!) URGENT, URGENT—EMERGENCY
Vice, The welcome screen on your website has a map that shows Bolivia and Chile as one country. Could you look into this? DEAN MCLURE
Via email No. THE TRUMP CARD
Dear Vice, I was introduced to your magazine by my cousin, the leader of the Seattle garage-punk band, the Pulses. He mentioned that your magazine is the hip magazine of indie and youth culture. When checking out the magazine’s subject matter, we realized that your magazine would be perfect for doing an article on finger jousting. If you haven’t heard of the sport, it’s an obscure sport similar to arm wrestling mixed with fencing mixed with jousting. You can find all of the information you need on our website, fingerjoust.com. If you guys are interested in the sport and would like to do an article, interview, or something, feel free to contact me. Your magazine sounds like it has the perfect demographics, and I think your readers would get a kick out of it. Thank you for your time and may the joust be with you. Cordially, JULIAN R. GLUCK, LORD OF THE JOUST, PRESIDENT OF THE WFJF
Via email I started to try and think of something clever to write in reply to this but you know what? You stumped me. I have no idea how to come back at such a stupid idea. You win, I guess.
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