NFL
There Aren’t Any Good NFL Teams This Year
“How about parity in the NFL?” a man says to another man as they sit on a park bench and watch the traffic in the distance. “Yes, parity,” the second man says. How can he put the love he feels for his friend into words? He can't. So he talks instead...
Reason for the Season
Hockey is still DOA, baseball postseason is a-rolling, the Nets played inside a casino and it wasn't on TV, Deron Williams allegedly wears a wig, and some NFL guy is a pillhead.
Hot Young Stud Quarterbacks
Now that there are a bunch of young guns who can play quarterback well, there’ll be a lot more exciting ball throwing happening. Which is good. Ignore the purists who bitch about change—remember when football was just 22 guys punching each other in the...
Hey Internet, How Should Football Change?
Just for fun, I recently went on 4chan’s sports forum and asked what they would change about the NFL—the thread is long dead, but here are the five most radical, compelling, and totally unrealistic suggestions that came back to me.
The Jets Are America's Team
The Cowboys aren't America's Team, though they're called that. The Jets, mediocre and unprepared like us, get that honor. That the team's owner wants a Mitt Romney win more than a Super Bowl is sad icing on the despair cake.
Why Aren't There Football Coaching Grad School Programs?
Coaches learn their extremely difficult, demanding, horrifically time-consuming jobs as they go along, picking up knowledge as they work. Why don’t NFL coaches just go to grad school to study football?
The Less Crappy Referees Are Back
What happened last week in sports? The fake football referees really blew it, so the real referees returned. Some baseball teams made the playoffs, and a hockey player got real emotional on Twitter.
Is It OK to Watch Young Men Get Paralyzed on Live TV?
I’m not going to stop watching football, but how do you excuse watching something as obviously evil as the NFL? Is it like eating processed meat or buying shoes made with slave labor—do you just not think about it? I guess that’s what you do. Shit.
Picking at Scabs
The scab refs look, in short, like scabs—unqualified people hired to do a job they don't really know how to do at the behest of a management group which doesn't especially value that job, or at least less so than they value the chump change saved by...
Sorry Ma, Forgot to Trash the Replacement Refs
The NFL's replacement refs are worse than ever, a bunch of hockey players are joining a children's hockey league, Jeremy Lin hates spending money, and the Dodgers re-up their GM.
Raiders Games Are Like Bad, Unsafe Indie Shows
This past Monday's game between the Chargers and Raiders was like going to a Lightning Bolt show in 2003 or trying to find a death-crust gig in East Bed-Stuy. Gnarly and awesome, and the indie-sports nexus.
Let’s Just Turn the Refs into Lasers
By 2030, I want the games to be officiated by motion sensors and nanobots. And the cheerleaders should be replaced by 3-D holographic .gifs that summarize the most important news stories of the day. And the players will mostly be lizards. Anyway, on to...