Peace of Piss

Don’t get me wrong, I know the war is bad, but the anti-war march in London last month stank of piss. Sure, there were a lot of well-meaning people there who had a real understanding of the issues at stake, but to me, most people were just there to have a day out that made them feel better about themselves. Two rich white students I spoke to were even pro-Saddam! How did they work that one out? Anyway, I was there on the day to assist a photographer for a big London agency and it just so happened that I walked in on Ken Livingstone, the Mayor of London, taking a leak in the portaloos inside the press area. I have to say I never liked the guy at all but when I saw him taking a leak I felt different about him. Like he was just a normal person, like you and me, with his frailities and his insecurities and all that. Anyway, the portaloos are tiny, so I kind of nod “hello” at him and start to have a piss. I was about to say something like “Hi Ken, my name’s Jamie-James and I wondered if it’d be cool if I asked you a few questions, took a photo of you away from all the other press guys and then I could put it in VICE Magazine.” But no sooner had I started to think about this he zips up his pants and walks straight out of the toilets WITHOUT WASHING HIS HANDS! I was shocked. There was running water and soap, but Ken just walked out of there with his hands all dirty. Yeuch. It gets better. After I’d finished washing my own hands, I saw Ken march right up to Rev Jesse Jackson with a big smile on his face and then shake the poor Reverend’s hand for the camera! I couldn’t resist shouting out: “Dude that’s nasty! Ken didn’t wash his hands when he went to the toilet!” So fucking Ken’s face goes all red and muttered something like “you little shit”.

Jesus. I don’t mind so much the shitty public transport and the incompetent police force, but WIPING YOUR DICK MESS on the Reverend Jesse Jackson’s peace-loving palm? Is nothing sacred? JAMIE-JAMES MEDINA

We contacted Greater London Authority press officer Ben McKnight to see if Ken wanted to say anything about this story but he ignored all our calls and emails. Oh well.