FAMILY JEWELS
On DVD from April 25th – G2 PicturesIn the 30 minutes of Family Jewels (which is called Barry Munday in the US) that I made it through, I spotted scenes stolen directly from Napoleon Dynamite, Ghost World, Office Space, Garden State and Juno. So I guess if you're the "movies" section of the MySpace page of a mid-noughties teenager who "hates all of that mainstream cinema bullshit", then you'll fucking love this. Everyone else: Avoid.
1
ÇH¬Òè §ÈV͢џCOUNTRY STRONG
In cinemas now – Screen GemsTheory: Gwyneth Paltrow is some sort of negativity demon that becomes stronger the more she is hated. Have you ever met a person that likes Gwyneth? Do you know anyone who knows anyone who likes Gwyneth? Can you imagine anyone on earth that would pay money to watch a movie that features a ten-minute scene of Gwyneth singing? Or anyone (apart from Gwyneth) that would pay for that film to be made? Or someone that would think "country strong" was a good enough pun to use as a movie title? Even her name: "Gwyenth"… Say it ten times, it's fucking INFURIATING. I also refuse to believe that anyone in the world could use the term "organic plastic surgeon" without expecting anything but revulsion from the people that hear it. Can we all start ignoring her please? Like with the Westboro Baptist Church, it's the only thing that will make it go away.
0
SMOKEY McSUNBATHERSOMEWHERE
Out now on DVD – Universal Pictures InternationalYou're probably reading this on a 20-meg broadband connection, with at least nine other tabs open, drinking 'proper' coffee and trying to work out which bits are the funny bits and which bits are the serious bits. You don't know how lucky you are do you? It's a fucking jungle out there. Think about how tough some people have had it: Take a second and imagine your dad directed The Godfather, Nicolas Cage is your cousin, and you had a very minor non-speaking role in Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace. Yeah, when Chris Martin sang: "nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be so hard", he wasn't pulling your leg. Sofia Coppola's Somewhere holds up a cracked mirror to the gritty reality of growing up in Hollywood AND having a dad: Modern problems for a modern world. Stephen Dorff and Elle Fanning play the roles of father and daughter respectively, doing their best to deal with some deep emotional shit, such as staying at The Chateau Marmont and going swimming. Herein lies a movie that taught me nothing about life, and nothing about cinema. When Chris Pontius playing Wii Tennis is the genuine highlight of your latest oeuvre, it's probably time to take a break.
2
SOFA CLOPPOLOP
On DVD from April 25th – G2 PicturesIn the 30 minutes of Family Jewels (which is called Barry Munday in the US) that I made it through, I spotted scenes stolen directly from Napoleon Dynamite, Ghost World, Office Space, Garden State and Juno. So I guess if you're the "movies" section of the MySpace page of a mid-noughties teenager who "hates all of that mainstream cinema bullshit", then you'll fucking love this. Everyone else: Avoid.
1
ÇH¬Òè §ÈV͢џCOUNTRY STRONG
In cinemas now – Screen GemsTheory: Gwyneth Paltrow is some sort of negativity demon that becomes stronger the more she is hated. Have you ever met a person that likes Gwyneth? Do you know anyone who knows anyone who likes Gwyneth? Can you imagine anyone on earth that would pay money to watch a movie that features a ten-minute scene of Gwyneth singing? Or anyone (apart from Gwyneth) that would pay for that film to be made? Or someone that would think "country strong" was a good enough pun to use as a movie title? Even her name: "Gwyenth"… Say it ten times, it's fucking INFURIATING. I also refuse to believe that anyone in the world could use the term "organic plastic surgeon" without expecting anything but revulsion from the people that hear it. Can we all start ignoring her please? Like with the Westboro Baptist Church, it's the only thing that will make it go away.
0
SMOKEY McSUNBATHERSOMEWHERE
Out now on DVD – Universal Pictures InternationalYou're probably reading this on a 20-meg broadband connection, with at least nine other tabs open, drinking 'proper' coffee and trying to work out which bits are the funny bits and which bits are the serious bits. You don't know how lucky you are do you? It's a fucking jungle out there. Think about how tough some people have had it: Take a second and imagine your dad directed The Godfather, Nicolas Cage is your cousin, and you had a very minor non-speaking role in Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace. Yeah, when Chris Martin sang: "nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be so hard", he wasn't pulling your leg. Sofia Coppola's Somewhere holds up a cracked mirror to the gritty reality of growing up in Hollywood AND having a dad: Modern problems for a modern world. Stephen Dorff and Elle Fanning play the roles of father and daughter respectively, doing their best to deal with some deep emotional shit, such as staying at The Chateau Marmont and going swimming. Herein lies a movie that taught me nothing about life, and nothing about cinema. When Chris Pontius playing Wii Tennis is the genuine highlight of your latest oeuvre, it's probably time to take a break.
2
SOFA CLOPPOLOP