Happy St Pervert's Day, You Proud Mexican Irish

Today millions of plastic Paddys will be getting drunk on heavy black beer in honour of a Welsh sheep farmer who turned the Irish onto Christianity in the fifth century. But before all you Mexicans and Maoris fart in the face of genetics, geography, religion, and good taste, by sticking the wig and face paint on, I’d just like to point out exactly what Patrick did for Ireland.

See, as much as you might like him for establishing the shamrock as our national symbol and for providing every other Irishman with a first name, what St. Patrick did was basically spoil the scene on Europe’s hottest party island.

Life before Pat: A pagan fuckfest.

Now, I’m no historian, but I’m pretty sure Ireland up until the fifth century was a wild island of orgies, psychedelic drugs and intermittent rainshowers. The druids and druidesses ran the show. These guys would travel the land dispensing madness, carrying a clutch of wild leaves, grass, and magic mushrooms called a madman’s wisp, feeding them to confused peasants. The lucky victim would be obliged to take a day off the usual drudgery of field work and starvation, and spend the day climbing through a psychotropic fit instead. The playful druids also had the power to make someone temporarily invisible by reciting specific poems in their ears. They carried round pet snakes with them too, like a poisonous business card and they worshipped someone called Brigid who was the goddess of fire and fertility. Under Brigid’s gaze, young men and women spent the entire first week of May screwing, because conceiving in early May was good luck. That’s not to say they weren’t getting the rides in at other times of the year, it’s just May was a bit like the January sales for Middle Ages sex.

Life after Pat: A depressed pervert playground.

Ireland after the fifth century was a tame shell of sexual hang-ups, angry bishops and intermittent rainshowers - because the first thing your beloved Patrick did was get rid of the druids. The legend claims that he got rid of the snakes, but that was just a symbolic way of covering up the ethnic cleansing of the chief partiers on the island. Also Patrick went and demoted Goddess Brigid to Saint Brigit; which is like going into work a CEO and leaving as a cleaner. Christianity, and its subsequent aggressive buyout by Roman Catholicism did nothing but dump hardship on Ireland. The orgies dried up and everyone was back working the fields and starving again, without any psychedelic portals to relieve their misery.

Sure, Ireland advanced technologically over the following centuries, developing infrastructure, modernity and a tonne of white gadgets in the bathroom. But no amount of electric toothbrushes could make up for the fact that our ancestors, thousands of years ago, had more and better sex than us. Not to labour the point, but without Pat, his seminaries and celibacy, it’s unlikely that Ireland would’ve abused quite as many of it’s God-fearing children.

Enjoy your tame party, you perverted Paddys.