Sunday, 17 July
BBC1
9PM
(Watch it here)
Question is: how long had the producers been sitting on that anecdote that Tom told Lord Sugar, in his final, heroic furlong? The one about how he charmed his curvy nail file into Walmart with a big dollop of the gutsy will-to-power that he’d so long seemed lacking? In that moment, his character stood instantly transformed. He was revealed anew as Another Better Tom, just in time to clinch the prize. The. Crowd. Went. Wild. The producers surely slapped each other heartily on the back and said things like ‘Shakes-fucking-Spearian’ to each other. I imagine it was kept back right from the very first interview – with some bored researcher screening dozens of hopefuls with just a phone and a copy of MS Office. She looks down her list. She’s half-listening as she prods Tom through the rote list of questions. Sorry, what’s that? You say you pretended you were delivering a special package to the chief buyer at Walmart HQ? She makes a note in the final column of the Excel spreadsheet, and highlights his row in red. The rest is heavily-manipulated TV history.
7
ALAN BUGAR
Annons
Tuesday, 12 July
Channel 4
9PM
(Watch it here)
There are two great British business dynasties. There are the Murdochs, who apparently have been in the news recently. Then there are the Withers – Arthur, senior, the man who nicked KFC’s basic idea and first imported it to Britain; and his son, Andrew, now a fortysomething businessman himself, and the one tasked with keeping daddy’s Southern Fried Chicken afloat now that daddy has had a non-saturated fats-related stroke. This week, he is going undercover, which means rocking up to the business daddy built with two days of stubble, a crewcut and a flimsy excuse, and bringing along a Channel 4 crew to remind everyone why they should never, ever eat fast food that doesn't come from somewhere with a pair of golden arches above the door. Here's a man cleaning chicken in a washing-up sink. Here’s a man wiping his bum on the counter. Oh, you mean Southern Fried Chicken? Right. Yeah, I remember it now. Obviously, it’s all OK at the end, because in time-honoured fashion, Withers makes things right for his demoralised franchise-holders – doling out new equipment and plane tickets to Pakistan like he's the god of floured, salted, fried poultry. And that’s great. Then everyone’s lives fan out in sublimely perfect harmony forever more, no one ever gets food poisoning again and all the staff receive 25 blowjobs a day each.
7
COLONEL SLANDERS
MTV
Thursday, 21 July
10PM
(Watch it here)
Post-Scrubs-ian TV. It’s a whole thing in itself these days. How to get that crucial balance between generic narrative and cartoonish rapid-fire sight gags is every comedy producer’s daily tightrope. If you’re MTV, you employ the guy who wrote Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, and you populate your world with archetypes to a degree that makes Archie look like Kidulthood, and it actually kinda works. In a manipulative way. Really manipulative, in fact. Teeth-grindingly twee, and quote-unquote ‘random’, if truth be told.
5
RJ BJ
Tuesday, 19 July
BBC 2
2PM
(Watch it here)
Cosy chat show in which Britain’s best-loved media baron, Smilin’ Uncle Rupe, dispenses the wisdom of his years to a bunch of green, young politicians who don’t seem to know their betters when they see them. Features some of his best-known sayings: “In this business, you gotta love everyone. Because you may not pass this way again.” “Fear no man. Because no man is going to stick their head above the parapet and criticise you after we send a pap round their house ten days on the trot.” “Go placidly amidst the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in bought silence.” “From each according to his means, to each according to his meanness.” Tone lowered by oddly incongruous slapstick ending.
10
RUPERT THE BRER