Blacks Vs. Whites

Photos by Vito Fun

How come black people never get totally shit-faced? White people are always getting so wasted they can barely stand but, outside of bums, you almost never see black dudes slurring their words. Is it because they drink really expensive shit like Courvoisier and Hennessy and to get slur-drunk on that is about $300? Or does it have deeper cultural meanings? Do blacks feel vulnerable in this white world and think they can’t afford to let themselves be too self-indulgent? Maybe it’s as simple as blacks in America are of a particularly fit stock and can break down toxins better than whites. What is it?

“I don’t fucking know,” says Probe, an MC from the Brooklyn-based hip-hop group Nuclear Family. “I have noticed that though. I know it’s not the Courvoisier thing because I drink the same shit white people do. Beer and shots and all that.” Instead of sitting around like a bunch of faggot academics we decided to settle this like men. We got a black guy and a white guy and made them drink till they puked. We decided to use Probe as the black guy because he drinks the same drinks whites do and his friends say they are a pube away from “having an intervention on him”. We chose screenwriter Dave TheBest (yes, that’s what he calls himself) as the white guy because he is about the same age and weight as Probe and he used to be in a frat. Dave is 27 years old, 5'11'', and weighs in at 164 pounds. Probe is 26 years old, 6'2'', and weighs 169 pounds. Here are the highlights.

11:15 We arrive at Bar Reis in Brooklyn. Everyone is amped. The white people are secretly rooting for the white guy and the black guy is really happy to get free booze all night. We order some quesadillas from upstairs because you’re supposed to have food in your stomach. The owner has laid out some shot ideas.

11:23 First shot – Seagrams gin

11:25 First sip of beer

11:31 Spanish lady finds out what we are doing and becomes indignant. She wants to know why this competition is only for blacks and whites. We can’t believe she’s serious. She is. She insists we have a new competition with her husband next Friday. We tell her to fuck off.

11:42 Dave suggests they shoot the next shot, Probe wants to finish his last bite of food. The racial and ethnic tension is palpable.

11:50 Water is introduced to the experiment. The bartender genuinely cares about these guys and doesn’t want anyone to die.

11:55 Sixth shot – Bacardi Superior rum

12:14 Eighth shot – Cosmopolitan

12:16 Bartender blends Malibu rum smoothie

12:23 Progress check. I ask them to rate their drunkenness on a scale of 1 to 10. 1 represents schoolgirl tipsy and 10 represents blackout drunk. Both parties give themselves a 3.

12:24 Tenth shot – Jagermeister

12:30 Bar patrons are getting curious. Coming over. This feels like when someone is winning at craps.

12:53 “This is an honor” is overheard

12:54 Fourteenth shot – Sex on the Beach. A first for each contender.

12:55 Progress check. Dave claims to be an 8 out of 10. Probe says he is only a 7.

1:07 Sixteenth shot – Black Magic. Dave goes to pee, Probe decides to do a shot without him in order to get the advantage. We try to tell him that’s not an effective way to cheat. Dave comes back and we “snitch” on Probe and make Dave do a shot.

1:26 Twentieth shot – French Martini

1:33 Racial harmony is achieved. Due to the name of the competition the subject of race keeps coming up. “Everybody is equal in their eyes” is overheard. No idea who “their” is. Could be the patrons.

1:37 Pseudo-sobriety test is set up. They take turns walking a strip of toilet paper on the floor. They both do really badly. Cops are right to do that test.

1:40 Twenty-second shot – Barracuda

1:49 I ask the bartender for two racial shots. He pours a shot of red wine and a shot of Hennessy.

1:50 Twenty-third shot – Hennessy. Dave groans “that was bad news.” He looks like shit.

1:53 Dave suggests a draw because he is a pussy.

2:19 Twenty-eighth shot – Crème de Menthe

2:20 Pot break

2:32 Bartender shuts down bar. “This is unholy,” he says.

2:37 Outside bar, Probe laughs at Dave’s sandals.

2:37–3:02 Walking half a mile to the next bar.

3:02 New bar, Patio Lounge

3:02 Twenty-ninth shot – Soju (Korean liquor). There is a dog at this bar and they both are fascinated by it.

3:09 PBR can downed.

3:19 Dave wants to quit.

3:23 Thirty-first shot – Soju

3:23–3:30 Dave not doing too well, he seems to have ants in his pants. Probe is doing surprisingly well. He’s confident and rapping a lot.

3:30 Bartender offers both another beer, Probe drinks it, but Dave can’t get it down. The crowd starts going, “Oooooh” in an anticipatory “Here we go, boys!” kind of way. Like a crescendo. The yelling seems to turn Dave’s stomach even more.

3:31 Dave pushes through the crowd and pukes the entire white race onto the street. He has let down 80 percent of the American population. Dave blew it after 31 shots and Probe had at least 40.