Author:Nadia StrokovSpecial: Skinema World Tour
Your attention please. Your attention please. VICE Airlines flight IC069 is now departing for Rio de Janeiro via Hong Kong, Singapore, LA, Budapest, Prague and Toronto. Passengers are requested to remove their pants and ensure that meal trays are in their full upright position. We will be serving a light lunch before beginning our inflight entertainment with news from the BBC World Service followed by our first feature film, Naughty Canadian Starlets Vol. 2 (Starlight Fantasy Productions), possibly the skankiest piece of magnetic tape to ever come out of Canada. Instead of hiring cute Québécoise girls and sexy western boys, the crack team behind this gem decided it would be better to drive around greater Toronto offering cash to heroin addicts, rocker dudes, fat bikers and hooched-out hookers. They were wrong. Please note that air sickness bags are located in the pouch in front of you.
As we make our way out over the Atlantic towards Budapest, we will begin our second feature. Euro Angels 14 (Evil Angel) features loveable European perv director Christoph Clark, who injects humor into the otherwise hardcore proceedings with his hilarious antics. Whether unsuccessfully sneaking into the ladies' room with a camcorder or delivering his trademark "Yoou ave such a buutiful pusssaaay. I only want to loook" type lines, it's impossible not to like this mischievous, though slightly anal-obsessed little fellow. Mercedes, Atlantis and Valentino head up an acceptable cast that makes this one fun for the whole family.
After a brief layover in Prague, we will be starting the longest leg of our flight as we head towards Singapore. During the flight we will be screening HT's Asian Street Hookers from Devil's Films, the same people who brought you the classic HT's Black Street Hookers. In this wacky installment, HT and his camera-carrying sidekick patrol the streets of "Asia" in a COPS stylee, picking up six different 'Asian' street 'hookers.' Despite the fact that it looks an awful lot like LA's Chinatown and that one of the girls is a Jewish European, Asian Street Hookers delivers gritty realism as HT negotiates prices and bargains for extra favors with those tough, street-hardened hookers. If you loved the scene in Black Street Hookers where angry black men chase HT's car down an alley in Compton, you'll want to stay awake for this wild ride.
As we depart from Hong Kong's new island airport, you will have a choice of a traditional breakfast or a light fruit and yogurt type deal. After a hilarious VICE TV episode where Derrick uses a sharp stick to taunt an already-enraged goat, we will conclude our inflight programming with Ponachitas (Diabolic Productions), shot entirely in South America. A black guy and a white guy fuck their way around the continent - from a Brazilian beach to a house in Brazil to a house overlooking a beach in Brazil, Ponachitas delivers the real Latin flavor. In addition to the scene where one poor ponachita unsuccessfully tries to negotiate her way out of an anal intrusion (¡No piensan a mi dolore!), the movie delivers a slow motion "cum shot re-cap" and choice lines like "Oh shit! kids!" (during a public sex scene on the beach) and "Gringo dick is bueno, no?"
We hope you'll enjoy your flight aboard VICE Airlines, on behalf of myself and the entirely female cabin crew, we look forward to servicing you.