I Reviewed the Tinder Profiles of Everyone at Work and They Sucked

Ah, love. It really makes you want to kill yourself, doesn't it? It also might be the only thing that can save humanity, so I can't blame anyone for trying to find it, somewhere out there on the poisoned shit heap that is this dying earth.

Or, at the very least, we'd like to get our respective dicks and clits wet. And who could blame us? Nobody. Not one single person could, because there is not one human being on this planet who is any better. We're all snivelling primates looking for love.

But without social skills, how do we get this? Tinder. That's how. We look to an app—nothing more than a string of code—for salvation. Some of us do it better than others. My co-workers don't do it very well.

Best Feature: Your fourth photo. Cute.
Worst Feature: That ridiculous daisy chain of emojis.

Issy, THUMP Editor
Ha. Issy's profile is very funny. Something tragic is going to happen to Shane Warne in the coming months. That's the kind of bio I like to see—same goes for the photos. You've kept things low key. Those three photos tell me everything I want to know: the first photo says you're funny, the second's like, "no but really though, I'm very attractive," and the third says… I dislike seafood but will eat it anyway?? That's cool, I like people who can surmount their fears. It's hot to be brave.

Best Feature: Your astute yet humorous bio.
Worst Feature: Including your Uni. Nobody really cares hey.

Greta, Intern
Greta's profile looks just like every other cute normie girl's. She seems like she'd enjoy a nice brunch. She seems like type of person who orders cocktails, not pints. She seems like she could fill out her own tax return. It all feels pretty cut and dry, until you read her bio. Right as you you're about to swipe left, she hits you with this: "I also skate so…" That ellipsis man. What a mysterious ending. What are you implying, Greta, you little minx? You expecting me to go for a roll with you? I will. Do you want me to think of that age old adage, "girls who skate are better at grinding…"? Because I did that too.

Best Feature: You might be Tony Hawk.
Worst Feature: Mentioning coffee. I take it you also like music, yeah? How 'bout breathing? Air? You like those too?

Kat, Staff Writer
When Kat sent me this I thought it was a fucking joke. One photo? You only have one single photo: ONE PHOTO. And it's of a painting. IT'S OF AN OIL PAINTING??? It's not even something you painted? I was baffled. "This is what I use to find cute arty boys," you told me, "they love the mystery." Apparently it works, so I guess you've actually got it all figured out.

Best Feature: That one photo.
Worst Feature: That one photo. Best, worst, and only.