Pope Of Many Hats

If you’ve forgotten to remind the Vatican to sync the Pope’s Google calendar in with yours or you simply haven’t been reading the news then you might not know that Pope Benedict XVI is on his way to these shores later this year. He’s the first Catholic overlord to bless us with his presence since John Paul II came in 1982. The trip will cost the taxpayer about £12 million.

In an attempt to cover the rest of the cost the Vatican is charging followers access to two mega Pope Events. Firstly a prayer vigil in London’s Hyde Park on 18 September and then the beatification (when the Pope confirms that a dead Priest has gone to heaven and is an all-round Saintly guy) of Cardinal John Henry Newman in Birmingham the following day.

Both events will cost £25, which the “pilgrims” pay for “transport costs”, so its not like they even get to enjoy an overwrought U2 style light show with their ticket, they just get to pray in the same field as their master. Paying for religious blessings? Isn’t that kind of what got the Catholic Church into trouble in the first place?

Apparently, this isn’t a philosophical dilemma that’s troubling the Pope and no new Luther has come forward to hammer a list of demands into a tree in Hyde Park, so the Vatican has spent most of its time thinking about what everyone thinks about before these trips: style. The Pope needs to look good. More than that, he needs to look like one of the people some of the time and then like God at other times. Given that you have to keep the papal robes, the place to experiment is on the head. And head experimentation equals hats. Here’s what they’ve got lined up for us:

Yep, that’s right. It’s a cap. Apparently this look tested well with some of the regional Bishops, who felt that it gave his holiness a nice, relaxed, man-on-the-street vibe. They liked the nod to hip-hop culture and felt that this was nicely offset by the white colouring, which gives the look a summery feel while also hinting at a deep, underlying racism that plays well in Middle England.

Here’s a nice little sponsorship tie-in with the city of Rome. It says: “Hey, I’m proud of where I’m from, I represent”. It also says: “Hey, I’m a geezer”. Because after all, what’s the Pope not into? Protected sex. What’s he also not into? Women having any power. What does he like to do?

Drink beer. Lad etc. Here he is looking like a Santa Claus with early onset dementia:

This thing is called a Camauro, which means “camel skin hat”, even though the thing is definitely not made out of camels. It was dreamt up in the 12th century and has a nice ermine lining that the Queen, herself a big fan of ermine, is sure to love. Why worry about centuries of religious conflict when you can bond over the slaughtering of woodland creatures for high-end, occasion-specific headwear?

Here’s our guy, a wry smile on his face, thinking about how much money he’s going to make through Ticketmaster. Benedict, you’re welcome.

OSCAR RICKETT