DIY Embassy

Kosovo is one of those maybe states, like Iraq or Afghanistan, run by giant teams of internationals who all get their paychecks from the IMF. It’s also one of the most corrupt places in Europe and a land where driving licenses and sober people behind the wheel are optional extras like fluffy dice or spinning rims. With that in mind, Vice contributors, Conor Creighton and Steve Ryan decided to set up their own embassy and become ambassadors.

Kosovo gained independence from Serbia two years ago. Not everyone recognised that independence, but of the few countries that initially did, Ireland was one. As you may have heard, the Irish economy is a bit of a car wreck at the moment so they can’t afford to extend their goodwill to Kosovo and establish an embassy. However, we’re Irish and reasonably diplomatic, so we decided to fill the void by becoming unofficial ambassadors in the lovely city of Prishtina.

Now in order to be an ambassador there are a few basics you’ve got to cover. One you’ve got to get yourself a pad that reflects your country’s standing in the world. In Prishtina that’s easy as large parts of the city are abandoned–slash–too expensive for the locals. We managed to rent the former US Embassy for a song by simply choosing the option of taking it unfurnished and unheated. Prishtina is almost a mile above sea level and in winter the temperature drops below 50 degrees, so yes we’re ambassadors and we live in a mansion big enough to house a village, but we’re not shimmying round in short-shorts and polo shirts, drinking ice-tea on the veranda. No sir.

Our neighbours are the US Ambassador, the British Embassy, the German Embassy, the Turkish Embassy, and the Bulgarians, whose embassy is so small it looks like a half-finished granny flat, built for a tiny grandmother whom nobody loved.

A quick tour

The Time Zone

The Interrogation Room

Direct line to the Taoiseach

Meet the staff

So far, about one week into our ambassadorial career we’ve been busying ourselves trying to convince people that we’re legit, and also not get evicted for throwing parties. Most people in Prishtina live with their parents until they get married so since they found out we had a big empty mansion in town, they’ve been calling round to smoke joints and mooch our booze. Now that’s fine but the other night half the town came over. The US Ambassador’s attache complained that we were “louder than a disco.” We had to bring him over for tea and biscuits the next day, and avert our first major diplomatic incident.

Unfortunately, this shakey peace with the US crumbled soon after. You see they’ve repeatedly parked their jeeps in front of our door. Things came to a nasty head yesterday evening when we were forced to make a written complaint. Said written complaint was found this morning in a bundle on the road.

Our only hope is that the situation will resolve itself naturally and swiftly before we’re forced to advise economic sanctions and a general boycott of US products by embassy staff.

If anyone wants to come visit please do. Next week, we’re hosting a shamrock planting ceremony and turning the town’s river green. And by then we’re hoping the reggae marathon in the attic will have ended.

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