Condoms

uck a condom. I hate condoms. Always have. I have an allergic reaction to them: The mere sight of them makes me go limp. I think if I cut two of my fingers off with a circular saw I could still count on both hands the number of times I’ve worn a condom in my entire life. As I’ve mentioned in the past I think using condoms is cheating. If you’re going to live life, live it to the hilt. Condoms are like friendly poker games where pretzels or pennies are substituted for real money. Fuck that. Sit at the high-stakes table. When you win it’ll be a high like no drug can offer and when you lose it’ll hurt so bad you’ll never want to lose again. Same with humping. Don’t “practice” safe sex. Allen Iverson said it best, “We’re talking about practice. Come on. It’s just practice.” No. Go out and EXECUTE wreckless, lawless, unprotected acts of carnal deviance, and when you spray your muck all over her or him take a deep breath and hold it in. Hold it for a week or two, then take your pants off and take a look at your junk. No pus? No boils? No rashes or bumps? Exhale. You’re a fucking winner. Doesn’t it feel good? But if you’re a pussy and feel more at ease wrapping your dick up in a cute little latex blankie then I suppose you should at least be informed of your options. The guys at the office sent me nearly 20 varieties of condoms on a Wednesday and asked me to review them by Friday. It’s like they were trying to kill me. I haven’t had that much sex in a 48-hour period since I was 19 and had no job. Don’t they know that I’ve been married for seven long months? Sex isn’t the same as it is when you first get married. Those first months are like two rapists covered in K-Y Jelly locked in a jail cell with no food or water. As time passes the humping gets less and less frequent, and as fall turns to winter it becomes almost nonexistent. If I came anywhere close to using all the condoms they sent in two days I was bound to have a heart attack, so I just chose a few that seemed the most interesting.

Rating System

1 finger:

2 fingers:

3 fingers:

4 fingers:

The Fist:

FC Female Condom

Score: 1 finger

Kiss Kondoms

Score: 2 fingers

Durex pleasuremax tingling

Curb Your Enthusiasm

Score: 2 fingers

Rough Rider Hot Passion

Score: 4 fingers

Pleasure Plus

Score: The Fist

For more Chris go to Chrisnieratko.com or Njskateshop.com.