Fuck The Police

Photo by Brenda Staudenmeier

This month I fucked three Montreal cops just for the what-the-heck of it. It was kind of like an experiment in hate-fucking, since I am not really fond of the police. I discovered that two out of three of the police officers that I fucked in the past month were molested during their childhood, and that the rest (all one of them) are just sexually deviant. COP FUCK NUMBER ONE We meet at a bar where he’s hanging out with co-workers. I’m dressed like a perfect bourgeois office girl. Square heels and all. He’s divorced with three kids. One of his daughters is my age. Hello, creepy! Still, aside from his escalator-shaped forehead, he’s a pretty good-looking man. Girls Who Fuck Pigs ANN, 17 Vice: Were you attracted to the guy because he was a cop? Ann: Yeah, duh! It’s the whole thing with the man in uniform—it’s a turn on, the manly-man thing. What about his job got in the way of your relationship? He worked nights, so he’d always be sleeping during the day. I’d only see him after he got off, which would be like 4 AM. My friends didn’t like him because he was such a stereotypical cop. Was he a good maker-outer at least? Once we were in his car outside of Safeway, and I moved in and we started kissing. I moved his hand underneath my shirt and bra, and it was like he was a total virgin at it. He didn’t know how to even attempt foreplay. Eventually we stopped because he felt weird being in a public space. He was totally paranoid. BECKY, 20 How was your cop in bed? Really dull. He wasn’t into foreplay or anything. He was a missionary-for-five-minutes-and-fall-asleep kind of guy. It’s probably one of the main reasons we broke up. Was he fun to hang out with? Nope. He used to get insanely jealous all the time, and even though he sucked in bed, he must have had a kinky mind, because he had the largest collection of porn I have ever seen in my life. Just stacks and stacks and stacks of nudie magazines.

JAMIE, 22 What about his job got in the way of your relationship? Cops have a reputation for being cheaters. I’ve heard somehwere that they are the biggest cheaters around. He slept around, and I was finding this out because he wouldn’t even pay for it… he sent me the hotel bills from where he had sex with her. And when I confronted him about it, he said that he was in love—which was total bullshit, because she filed a restraining order against him on account of him being such a huge asshole. Sounds like a fucking dick. He had all these issues because of the stress of his job, so he would just take it out on me and my daughter. He would lecture us for a minimum of five hours at a time. I could not take that. PAM, 30 Why did you and your cop break up? He was fucking crazy. He used to hurl things at me, like books, and throw these fucking bitch fits. How was he in bed? He always had to be on top, and he didn’t care if I came or not. At first the violent fucking was really hot. But after a while he’d just throw the off-switch as fast as he could and go to sleep. That was cheap. What’s the worst thing he ever did? Once we went to a 7-Eleven and I told him I wouldn’t kiss him if he got this pickled sausage thing, and he got really mad and slapped me in the store. Everyone just kind of stared at him like he was the biggest asshole on the planet, and he got really embarrassed and stormed out. INTERVIEWS BY STEPHANIE FOO

This cop gets a 4 out of 10 because he at least got me inexplicably wet.

COP FUCK NUMBER TWO

The Hills Have Eyes

This guy gets an 8 out of 10. One point off for taking so long to get down to it, and another point off for kind of fucking like a wimp.

COP FUCK NUMBER THREE

This lady cop gets a solid, unequivocal 10 out of 10. I think she might have made me into a dyke.