Which British Person Should Be the US President?

Today, Americans face the tough choice of choosing their leader for the next four years. The difficulty with this election is that neither candidate is really that appealing. On one hand, we have a charismatic talking head and on the other we have a rich guy from some funny religion that believes Jesus lived in America. That said, we just did 30 seconds of research and realised that most American presidents haven't been too great. Even that guy who everyone liked just spent his whole time playing saxophone, smoking weed and getting dome.

Since Britain has been doing democracy for a lot longer, we figured a Brit stepping into the position would definitely solve the problems of our most wayward colony. The only thing we couldn't settle on was which exact Brit should go over there and whip those bunch of Yankee pussies into shape. So we went and asked some people in the street.

London, which British person should be the US President?

Jon, 53: Oh dear, oh dear – such a difficult question. I’d say Jeremy Clarkson, but he would hate America too much, wouldn’t he? Although, he might sort the Americans out quite well. In terms of politicians, I’ve always had a soft spot for Ken Clarke, but he might be too old to take on the job.

It’s a stressful job. Obama’s gone grey in his four years of presidency.
Yes, he has. I must have had some stress once, too.

Dip, 50: British person? My god, now you’ve got me thinking. Personally, on a business level, I’d go for someone like Richard Branson. He’d do well for the economy, he has good business ethics and he has a good social background. His social ethics, as well – he thinks about what happens for normal people and he's got a penchant for improving employment and work standards.

Would owning an enormous company as well as being president be too much power for one man?
Well, who says he has to continue working and have vested interest in his company while he’s holding that role? At the end of the day, no president or prime minister is allowed to have vested interests in any one particular business they own while in power.

Who would be vice president?
I reckon Alan Sugar, on a whim. I think they could work together quite well. Because Branson is all Conservative, whereas Alan Sugar is quite Labour – he’s very much working class. I think they’d complement each other quite well when fashioning out policy.

Yeah, I mean the coalition has worked really well so far over here.

Niki, undisclosed age: Jennifer Saunders. I read an article that said what she would do if she was president and I was really impressed. She said equality for everyone and that everyone would laugh every day.

Wow, sounds like utopia. Can you believe these promises?
I don’t know, but she’s got a really nice house and they all seem very happy. I used to go out with someone who lived next door to her and I used to look at her house in the morning. Just stare at it.

Obviously a nice house is a good sign of a strong political agenda. Who would be her vice president?
Dawn French, of course. Obvious, isn’t it?

Sarah, undisclosed age: Dara Ó Briain would be good. He would be a brilliant president because he’s really smart, he’s very funny, very charismatic and he would have good policies. Healthcare – all that sort of stuff.

Who would be his vice president?
Brian Cox. Actually, no; Tim Minchin. Because you would have somebody who is funny and really, really good at policy.

But would American be able to take Tim Minchin seriously as vice president?
Yeah. I reckon Dara would too because he’s got a sharp brain; he’s got a Ph.D as well as being funny. Why would you want more?

Comedic timing is always what I look for in a leader, to be fair.

Lulu, 32: It would be interesting to see what Jeremy Paxman would do. He’s an authoritative figure – he’d ruffle a few feathers.

What would his policies be like?
He would be liberal, but I don’t know if he would be good at taking criticism.

He does like to dish it out. Would he legalise cannabis?
I doubt it. It would take a lot of confidence to do something like that.

Who would be his vice president?
Probably someone from a Radio 4 news program – he’d probably pluck someone from there. Jenny Murray from Woman’s Hour, she could be the other side – the feminist – to create a balance. There’s my bus, byeeee!

Ronan, 25: Boris Johnson.

Really? Why?
I don’t know, I just think he’s cool as fuck. He’s got a good attitude. He doesn’t seem to give a shit.

Do you not think that someone who doesn’t give a shit might be a bit dangerous in charge of such a powerful country?
Yeah, maybe. Do you think he’d maybe be a bit manic for the job?
He seems smarter than George Bush.

Good point. So what do you think he’d have as his first policy? What would he change?
Probably the buses or something. Put in a shit load of Barclays bikes. It doesn’t really affect me. I don’t really like Mitt Romney, though, so I hope Obama wins.

Scott, 22: Simon Cowell. Not out of personal choice, though.

Do you think he’d be good?
He’s probably the only person with a chance of ever getting in.

You think he has enough power?
I think he’s probably got more power.

Do you think he’d be right wing?
No, I think he’d be Democrat.

What sort of policy do you think he’d introduce?
Tight trousers all round.

Do you think he’d make America more democratic, since he’s such a big fan of voting?
That’s a good point, actually. He’d bring a new style to American voting. I don’t know if it’d be a good one, but it’d definitely be a style.

Who would be his vice president?
Cheryl Cole. She’d have the looks, he’d make the decisions. The perfect combination!

Previously - How Did Sandy Affect You?