More4
Saturday, 24th of September
8.10PM
(Watch it here)
What has never been explained to my satisfaction is the complex relationship between dogs and sheep. If I were a sheep, and I saw a bastard dog tearing towards me, I’d do more than just trot along submissively. I would pelt it, and probably push a couple of my fellow sheep in its path. So sheep dislike dogs enough to consistently run away from them. But never enough to run at more than a detached canter. Feels like an abusive relationship.
The best thing about this show though, is basically that it’s a TV show where animals chase other animals for our amusement. We should do more of this. Maybe get a pack of badgers to round up an antelope, and award points for that. Or swans charging a baboon. Or six cubic metres of tapeworm placed in a seven cubic metre space with Noel Fielding. That would really get the juices flowing on a Sunday night while we wait for Downton to come on.
5
DANNY DOGFUCKER
Annons
Channel 5
Friday, 23rd of September
10PM
(Watch it here)
People say The Bachelor is a sexist throwback to another era, but what other mainstream programme involves two-dozen women competing for the hand of a never-married father of two young kids? Not that the fruits of his loins ever get mentioned. So far as C5 are concerned, Gavin Henson’s big swinging dick is as free as it ever was. This week the ex-Mr Charlotte Church had his friends individually quiz the succession of bubbly sexpots still left in the running. But at no point did they ever ask questions like: “How do you feel you’d be able to nurture and develop Gavin’s children from a former relationship?”
6
HARLOT CHURCH
Channel 4
Thursday, 22nd of September
9PM
(Watch it here)
From the producers of 24 Hours In A&E, and the team that brought you Another One Born Every Minute, more semi-hidden cameras in more previously private places, this time a bogstandard comprehensive in Essex. 24 Hours In A&E was the largest documentary Channel 4 ever mounted – 70 cameras filming round-the-clock for 28 days. This has none of that epic sweep, but much of the same sense that they wired the gaff with a massive number of small ceiling-cams, then just sat back until everyone forgot they were even there. It’s all completely brilliant though. At one point, prize spanner pupil Carmelita accuses the deputy-headmaster of assault. She’s shown the school’s own CCTV footage that proves he didn’t lay a finger on her, and she still tries to argue that it happened: it’s like a quintuple-whammy of everything that’s wrong with Britain today. I ejaculated; then wrote five letters to the Daily Telegraph.
9
ROMFORD PELE
Channel 5
Friday, 23rd of September
6.55PM
(Watch it here)
Two minutes of the best Hollywood news you could ever want to know, C5’s flagship "clips from upcoming Hollywood blockbusters" infobyte has lost none of its lustre down the years. We all remember where we were when we first heard them mention that Tim Burton’s Alice In Wonderland used groundbreaking special effects. And when they told us that Avatar used groundbreaking special effects. All the way to when they told us that The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button used groundbreaking special effects. Year after year, they’ve been showing us short, syndicated clips of people doing groundbreaking special effects on films coming to a major multiplex soon, and it has always been glorious. Hollywood’s belle epoque may be over, but Inside Hollywood’s shows no signs of dimming.
9
BELLY POX