Grimewatch

Chronik in a good mood. Photo by Jamie-James Medina

Jammer at Barcelona airport

MC Badness

o Wiley has decided to retire. We hinted at this a while back when we said he would be moving to New York, so it’s no big surprise for us. Maybe it was Footsie trying to rush him which finally pushed him over the edge. Who knows? All we can be sure of right now is that Roll Deep’s new mixtape, Rules & Regulations, is the best grime mixtape ever made, as we’ve been predicting since we first heard sneak previews last summer. We know Danny Weed has been locked away in the studio pretty much every day for the last couple of months trying to get it completely finished, so it’s nice to see the effort has paid off. If only they’d made something half as good when they were signed to Relentless, then maybe they wouldn’t have lost half of their fans and most of their pride. Looking back, was it any surprise Wiley refused to show up for appearances on Top of the Pops? Whatever, though, hopefully this mixtape is a sign of good things to come this year. In other great grime news, we heard Tempa T recently got a job at his local Royal Mail sorting office. A lot of MCs are too embarrassed to say they’ve got a day job, and instead go on like they’re moving bricks even though they still live with their parents and share a bedroom with their little brother. Tempz told us he wakes up at 5.30 AM every morning to go to work and finishes at 12 noon, just in time for boxing practice. Seriously, when he gets promoted and starts delivering post, we are moving straight down to Leytonstone to be inside his catchment area. How good would it be to look out in the morning to see Tempz with his high top fade giving you your post? One question, though: how is he going to fit the postman hat on his head with all that hair? Maybe they could make him some kind of Rasta version, but for people with afros. Just an idea. We’re so excited right now we’re planning to make a TV show out of it. Look out for the cartoon series Tempa T and His Black and White (Baseball) Bat coming soon on VBS. Oh, and btw, also look out for his new mixtape, It’s Nice, It’s Nice: 2000 ‘N’ Paaks, coming out in a few months. We’ve heard it and it’s INSANE. Unfortunately, fellow Slew Dem member, Chronik, isn’t doing so well—he’s been put on lockdown once again. Apparently he stumbled across a burglar in his house and something bad happened, so he’s looking at a lengthy stretch. We’re still trying to picture the moment the intruder turned around to find Chronik (remember, this is the guy who posed on the front of his latest mixtape with a shotgun, and has everyone in the scene too shook to say a word to him) standing there in his underpants and string vest with (we’re imagining) a baseball bat like the one in the photo above. We’ve heard it was self-defence so we’re currently pressing up a batch of “Free Chronik” T-shirts to aid in a speedy release from the slammer. We would do the same for Crazy Titch, but we’re not fucking miracle workers, okay? Something else unfortunate that we’ve heard is the news of S.K.I.T.Z. Beatz’s cat passing away a few weeks back. S.K.I.T.Z. has taken the news pretty badly, and really it’s no surprise. We were lucky enough to meet the cat the night before it passed and we have to say it was one of the realest animals we’ve ever met, after Manga’s pet rat. We were asked not to tell anyone but we’ve found out that Swizz Beatz has requested that he be allowed to remix S.K.I.T.Z.’s “Heard What I Said” track, which features President T. Who knows what future projects that could lead to if everyone gets their shit together. We also weren’t supposed to mention S.K.I.T.Z. trying to give Statik a run for his money with a remix of indie retard Jamie T (which Virgin have commissioned) but we are really bad at keeping secrets. Talking of retards (only joking) congratulations are due to the worst (but, strangely, most compelling) MC in grime, Terminator, who scored a late equaliser in QPR’s third-round FA cup clash with Luton, earning his side a replay. Terminator AKA Shabazz Baidoo (what’s up with that name?) is obviously spending a lot of time working on his football career so maybe we can excuse him for some of the most atrocious MCing since before the split of SLK. Keep an eye out for QPR shirts with “Terminator” written on the back. We swear it’s gonna start happening soon, leaving everyone except one or two grime fan kids totally puzzled. Have we mentioned we’re doing a night at the Scala on Saturday February 17 with Mr Vegas (who will be flying over from Jamaica especially), Spyro, Flow Dan, Killa P, Badness (who is our favourite MC right now), DJ Chef, Prancehall and Easychord? Go to myspace.com/clubdoit to get all the details. We’re currently in Barcelona with Jammer, Scorcher, Faction G, Logan Sama and Wretch 32, so we have to run along now and see what the local Burger King is saying, but we’ll leave you with Selfridges’ finest employee, DJ Scholar (thanks again for the discounts, buddy), to give you his expert opinion on what’s big in fashion right now. CLARENCE STATELY-HOLMES