IN CINEMAS: BLACK SWAN
Proving that arthouse darlings can make films just as overblown and cynical as Michael "balls out" Bay types, Darren Aronofsky is back again with this subtlety-averse rehash of 2008’s The Wrestler. Natalie Portman (who won something at last week's Golden Globes) stars as a young, frigid ballerina while Mila Kunis does that bitch routine she’s quite good at. And then there’s Vincent Cassel, who – I shit you not – prances and shouts around being moody and French.
THERE’S A ‘FIRST OFFICIAL IMAGE’ FROM BREAKING DAWN
I’ve made my distaste for the insipidity of Twilight promotional images clear in the past, so it was nice to see that this first look at the final film in the saga at least offers ‘something new’ to rile up its target market of every virgin on Earth. With its sophisticated sepia palette, intimate face touching and SLIGHTEST HINT of K-Stew’s breast-area, it just screams 'Matured Sense of Tone'. Or maybe it's screaming 'Perfume Advert'. Whatever the message, its definitely delivered in a way that's slightly less shrill.
IN CINEMAS: THE DILEMMA
Boldly taking the Hollywood trend of massively fat men dating impossibly attractive women to its perverse extreme, Ron Howard’s new one sees Kevin ‘fat ugly guy from Hitch’ James going steady with Winona fucking Ryder. Somehow he’s still not satisfied, so it’s weekly happy endings at a massage parlour full of Asian stereotypes for him and a totally understandable affair with Channing Tatum for her.
SCREAM 4 (A.K.A. SCRE4M) HAS A TRAILER
I’ve never actually seen Screams 2 or 3, but from what I understand the sophomore effort was a glorious peak and its successor was a shitty old trough. This well cut trailer makes number four looks like an ABSOLUTE RETURN TO FORM, then, which in this case means its reeled in a new generation of Hollywood babes to meet Mr Knife and updated its self-referentialism to include stuff like Saw. It might be a decade late, but that doesn't matter so much. Murder and tits is still murder and tits.
IN CINEMAS: I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE
Fans of moral grey areas and graphic torture will be laughing themselves to sleep on Friday night after taking in this slightly glossier remake of the 1978 cult video nasty at the cinema. The UK release has had 43 seconds cut by the BBFC, so why not get it on import and be just a little bit more offended than everybody else?
THE BAFTA NOMINATIONS ARE OUT
What can only be described as the ‘third or fourth, maybe fifth’ most important film awards gala of the year announced who it might be giving a trophy to this week. Bafta's don't offer a huge amount of 'twists' in the Hollywood 'plot', tbh. Basically they’re the same as the Golden Globes with a few more British people thrown in. Colin Firth is already re-arranging his mantel (with his gigantic forehead).
NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM IS A BAD MOTHERFUCKER
Who would’ve believed that that kid who did all the falling over in films one through six would wind up as one of Danny Dyer’s Deadliest Men come Potter No. 7? Even that patterned cardigan seems to be saying 'I’LL AVADA KEDAVRA YOU THE FUCK UP, MATE'.