“Some cops are dicks. But then others can be ok sometimes.” - Oprah Winfrey
I always get nervous around the fuzz (AKA 'the filth', 'po-po' 'five-O', 'one-time', 'the boy-dem' - or whatever today's current crime wave are refering to them as these days). However the long arm of the law in America takes the perennial biscuit. They've got guns, they're usually in a bad mood, and they're friends with the only other people in town who could ever possibly arrest them. But for every cop that sucks (like the ones who come by your apartment and tell you to turn the music down), there are cops that are pretty awesome (like the ones that come by your neighbor's apartment and tell them to turn the music down). But how can you tell which cops are chill and which aren't?
I think a good window into a person's psyche is the type of music they listen to, so I decided to conduct an unscientific survey. I stayed up late one night, drank a bunch of pink SoBE and vodka, and called up random police stations around the country to ask what music the blue coat billy goats are into. Here's what I found out.
Noisey: Hey, how are you? My name's Trevor and I'm trying to find out what different police officers across the country are listening to. Is there any song or band that you particularly like at the moment?
Unnamed Bloomington Police Officer: Ok… you're just asking any random person at the police department what music they're listening to?
Yes. Whoever answers the phone. What kind of music have you been listening to recently?”
Well, not just recently. My favorite music is big band.
Any particular artist or song?
Glenn Miller's "Stardust."
Chill. I YouTubed the song and there's not even any lyrics in it. That's how chill it is. Just dope-ass trumpet, opium den music. Cool cops in Bloomington.
Noisey: Hiya! Have you been bumping any awesome rockin' tunes lately?
Unnamed Gainesville Police Officer: I'm not listening to anything right now.
Well I don't mean at this moment. But what kind of music have you been into lately?
I listen to a lot of Slipknot and Rise Against.
Any song in particular?
Nope. Just any of them.
Questionable. Angry music with guys in masks. Could mean the cop is a fuck-the-system-type rebel, or it could just mean that he's got a lot of hidden rage issues. Break the law with caution, Gainesville!
Noisey: Hello, police officer! I wanted to ask you what kind of music you've been listening to lately!
Unnamed Seattle Police Officer: I listen to a lot of contemporary gospel. I like some of the old ones. Like from the 70s. Keith Green, Petra, 2nd Chapter of Acts. Phil Keaggy. He was considered one of the greatest guitarists in the world. Jimi Hendrix even thought so. Petra was the only Christian group to be invited to play Farm Aid four. These were all of the pioneers, because back then there was no term “christian contemporary.” They originated it.
No idea. By far, the most talkative police officer I spoke with. I found it interesting that, in Seattle, even the Christians are music nerds.
FALLS CHURCH, VA
Noisey: Hey. I'm calling cops and asking them what sort of music they like. What kind of music have you been into lately, sir?
Unnamed Falls Church Police Officer: This is a recorded line. So I don't want to give any of my personal opinions on here. I don't want to answer that.
If you live in Falls Church, move! This place seems scary as shit. What does this cop listen to? And why is he so afraid people will find out? I'm guessing it's audio from snuff films set to ska.
KANSAS CITY, MO
Noisey: Hello, sir. I'd like to ask you a few questions about music. Do you listen to music?
Unnamed Falls Church Police Officer: Nope. I listen to all kinds.
Oh. OK. I don't really understand. Is there any artist that's a favorite of yours?
[Coughs for approximately three minutes] No. Not at all.
I couldn't tell if he knew what I was asking him. Also, he might have been dying.
Noisey: Hello, is this the police? I'm calling to ask what kind of music you're into!
Unnamed Juneau Police Officer: Hmm! Uh… Macklemore! Jeez, let me look at my phone. I listen to… Pandora a lot! My favorites are Jimi Hendrix, Metallica, and Pink Floyd.
What Pandora station do you listen to?
One called “Thrift Shop."
You mean the Macklemore song?
Yeah, It's Macklemore-type music.
Super chill! Hendrix, Pink Floyd, and Metallica. Juneau is down with the classics but is still up for some new stuff like Macklemore and whoever else sounds like Macklemore! Rock those open containers, Juneau. It's all good!
You should also pick up his new record, Drunk Texts to Myself. It's in stores now, and you can order it right here.
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