An Interview With Michael Sophocles From The Apprentice

Remember Michael Sophocles? He was the guy from The Apprentice who tried to cosy up to Lord Sugar by making a big deal about being Jewish and then asking a Halal butcher to say a prayer over a chicken in order to make it "kosher". He was also at school with me, and the day he hit our TV screens was a proud day for us all. I wanted to catch up with him to find out what he's been doing for the last two years. In order to do this, I had to promise to pay him £50 before going up to a Pizza Express in Muswell Hill.

VICE: So Michael – why did you go on The Apprentice in the first place?
Michael Sophocles: I'm an entertaining guy. I don't take myself too seriously. I like to think of myself as being a pretender to the throne of…

Alan Sugar?
No, a rich businessman! I thought 'What the hell? I'll apply,' but I never expected to be as hard as it was. It was an ordeal, both during filming and then after, before it came out…

Why was that?
Because you get withdrawal symptoms. You get used to a camera being there and me, being an exhibitionist, you like it. You feel a bit lost in the interim period.

It seems like everyone gets up very early and gets very tired. How much sleep were you getting?
It's pretty ferocious. You're put in situations you'd never otherwise be in and that in itself is difficult. We'd get up at five in the morning and go to bed at half one. You go without eating because you're so busy with your task, which impacts on your energy levels. Then you go home, have these fatty takeaways and then go to bed. We normally only ever ate once a day. The person who wins The Apprentice isn't the person who's most business savvy, it's the person who has the most stamina.

Sometimes you look at the candidates talking about how much they've achieved and wonder how they've ever done anything, because they come across as being so stupid.
They're not going to cast completely competent, well-rounded people for the show. They cast people who are good, but flawed. They need candidates with a certain imbalance.

How legit do you feel the prize of working with Alan Sugar is?
Alan Sugar… Look, the modern millionaire is David Zuckerberg.

Mark Zuckerberg.
Sorry, yeah. Who's David Zuckerberg?

I don't know, I think he's a character from something.
Anyway, we're talking about young entrepreneurs who have made their money through the internet. These people are often faceless and reclusive… Lord Sugar is a self-made man but he made money in a very primitive way. I don't think it's always as glamorous as the winners think it's going to be, because the way he works is pure, unadulterated, primitive sales. We're talking about cold-calling, pitching over the phone, meeting people face-to-face.

How about the stuff he says – how much of that is scripted?
Lord Sugar is an incredibly witty man, believe it or not. Everything he says is from him, it really is – he's been around the block this guy, he's quite good at those one liners. It's not scripted, he just blurts these things out. I got to speak to him a few times and he gave me some good advice. When he needs to be blunt and crass, he is. But he can be quite reserved as well.

There's this Apprentice-speak that people seem to automatically lapse into when they're on the show. All that, "I was born to sell, I'm a chameleon, I'm a marketing guru" nonsense.
You say things in the heat of the moment that you want to sound impactful, but then they can often come back to haunt you…

Does any romance go on in the house?
I didn't know you were working for a red top…

I'll go back to highbrow questions soon, just tell me if anyone got their jugs out.
There isn't even time to get an erection, let alone start a flourishing romantic encounter.

What kind of reactions do you get from people now?
It's amazing, if I wear my suit, people remember me. Some are nice and friendly, and others are rude and get a bit aggressive. I've had a few anti-Semitic things said to me. Obviously there was the whole kosher debacle. Some Jews thought I'd done them a disservice. People used to phone me up and leave messages on my phone. Non-Jews thought it was hilarious, though.

Shit. I mean, that whole kosher incident didn't cover you in glory. I know your mum is Jewish and that you are a good Jewish boy as well as being a good Cypriot boy. Did you just not know what "kosher" was?
The definition of 'kosher' is for something to be done properly. Obviously my mistake was applying that terminology to the Muslim religion.

Lord Sugar is Jewish. Had you used that as a way of currying favour with him? Once you showed yourself up like that it can't have looked too good…
Yeah, once I'd renounced my Judaism.

I seem to remember there was an incident where he said: "You say you're a good Jewish boy but you don't blaady know what this is."
Haha. I put that "good Jewish boy" thing on my application form to make it stand out. Little did I know it'd come back to haunt me. People forget I wasn't fired for that, though.

What about this current series? Who do you like?
The problem for me is that it's usually the boring people who win. Stella might, she gets the job done, she's basically inoffensive, competent and solid. I like Jamie who is also a good Jewish boy. And then Chris, the banker, who has a very monotonous voice and is quite robotic. In terms of entertainment, Melissa was great, and I was kind of in love with Paloma. She was an austere bitch. She was a sexual honey. I loved her. Liz is very attractive. She's still in. Stuart Baggs, the brand. What a joker. He looks like an overweight Sonic the Hedgehog.

What about that guy Alex who described himself as a "creative powerhouse"? I felt quite sorry for him when he was fired. It seemed like there was something a bit awry…
Like deficient? Because that's a statement. And I didn't make that statement.

Yeah, that's not going to go in the interview. No, I just felt he was a sweet guy who was missing…
A part of his brain?

Just something that would enable him to deal with social interaction. I had some affection for Alex because Paloma was so mean to him. It was like watching a tiger attack a small dog.
Paloma dug herself a hole and showed her true colours. I was the opposite. I was ridiculously incompetent during the tasks but I was on it in the boardroom. I played the game so well. I played him so well. He'd never like to admit it, but that's the truth. He had empathy with me.

You were his Jewish grandson.
He had a soft spot for me.

I think that's true. Lying about being a huge Jew probably helped.

Then we both laughed heartily and remembered our old school days together while Mike wrote his bank details down on the back of a discarded menu.

OSCAR RICKETT