THE WORLD CUP OF EVIL: GROUP C

It's time to find out some more about group C of our World Cup of Evil. Remember: it's not about scoring the most goals, it's about how evil and corrupt the countries have been—both in normal life and in football. See below to find out how the teams get on.

USA

Historical evil: When you've given the world the calculated evil of the Bush family, the CIA, and Maroon 5, you've got a very good chance of beating all who stand in your way. Nicaraguan president Daniel Ortega once told Ronald Reagan at the UN: "Before consulting the hotheads who present various military options such as a military invasion, remember, President Reagan, Rambo only exists in the movies.'' The crag-faced B-movie king just turned off his hearing aid. From big corporations getting little slave kids to make shoes, to the government installing Commie-hating dictators all over the world, it's hard to beat the US when it comes to messing shit up. Still, we would all be speaking German if they hadn't saved our asses in WW2 and that's the stone cold truth, son.

Football evil: The polar opposite of their historical vibes. The US football team is made up of a bunch of fit jocks doing their best to overcome their limited footballing ability. And football jocks aren't all about whipping nerds with wet towels these days, they're all about Nike-endorsed rap. Click here for a video of Clint Dempsey, East Texas's finest footballer and conqueror of Robert Green, bringing the realness.

ENGLAND

Historical evil: Another big hitter, England has to take the flak for the British Empire and then pick up the tab for being mean to the other home nations (Scotland, Wales, the other one). Is there any figure more evil (and let's face it, sexy) than the sneering 19th century English man of Empire with his red coat and musket? According to modern historians, there is not. But when are they gonna wise up and go back to just admitting that we're the best and the rest of the world just needed a ruddy good lesson in behaving well and making Her Majesty nice and wealthy?

Football evil: John Terry, John Terry, John Terry. Oh, and God-bothering former manager Glenn Hoddle, who said that disabled people were paying for sins they'd committed in previous lives.

ALGERIA

Historical evil: If you've seen The Battle of Algiers (and if you haven't then you're a fucking Philistine/not a 60s intellectual) then you'll know that the Algerians were subject to some pretty brutal treatment at the hands of those wine-loving merchants of imperial bullying, the French. Still, current President Abdelaziz Bouteflika—who got into power with the backing of the army after the civil war of the 1990s—has a pretty good line in not letting serious opposition stand against him in elections and then going ahead and rigging the turnout anyway.

Football evil: Algeria's rivalry with Egypt, who they beat to get to the World Cup, is so intense that it has cemented the hatred between the two countries' governments. The Algerians were considering sending a special military force to the football ground if their team lost their World Cup qualification play-off against the Pharaohs. Following a stoning incident (yep, stoning) before another game, Egyptian president Hosni Mubarak refused to take a call from Bouteflika, who was later hospitalised with high blood pressure because he was so upset at the snub. The Algerians said they'd then replace Egyptians working in Algeria with "Asians". So, if it involves Egypt, there's plenty of evil. If not, they're about as evil as a mildly evil meadow.

SLOVENIA

Historical evil: How can the Big River man's country be evil? Having been part of almost every recognised European empire including, shamefully, the Republic of Venice (those water-dwelling pussies!), Slovenia has been the site of plenty of vice. But to blame the current inhabitants of the country or to steer clear of a patronisingly indulgent portrayal of the Slovenians as anything other than plucky, mountain-dwelling simpletons would be ridiculous and unnecessarily post-modern.

Football evil: As you'd expect from a country whose big thing is slugging down wine while driving, there's been quite a lot of fighting within Slovenian teams over the years. During the first game of the 2002 World Cup, star player Zlatko Zahovic was substituted and, in a fit of prideful rage, told coach Srecko Katanec: "You're a prick of a coach and were a prick of a player… I could buy you, your house, and your family. I could even buy Smarna Gora [the mountain near Ljubljana where Katanec owned a house and where he had taken the players for pre-tournament training]."

The team has continued to enjoy the odd (regular) bout of fighting, and tensions between those from the capital Ljubljana and the football-playing city of Maribor always seem to rear up at the worst possible moment. Still, they don't have John Terry.

RESULTS: It's a white day for evil as the US and England progress to the knockout stages, and John Terry and George Bush sit back and enjoy the champagne brought to them by third-world slaves.

1. England
2. USA
3. Algeria
4. Slovenia

OSCAR RICKETT