Every couple of weeks, I sift through the bottomless bins of promo CDs and records I get sent to decide which are worthy of a listen. Up until now there have been three “piles”, if you will: 1) shit I want to keep for myself, regardless if we review it or not; 2) releases that I personally want to review or assign to someone whose taste I trust; 3) something we probably should review because someone in the office is boning the guitar player, impregnated someone, or owes a drummer $50. Recently, however, I established a fourth category: Releases so uncalled for and embarrassing that I feel the need to keep them in a lockbox so I can look at it from time to time and laugh the kind of joyful laugh that only comes from really shitting on something in written form because it’s already so shitty a little more shit won’t hurt.When my hand first touched Datgirl’s Slutstep sticking out of a heap of other crap, I recoiled as though I had chanced upon a clump of newborn baby snakes napping on a wet pile of dog shit. Every single thing about the way this album looks makes me feel like I have period cramps. The fact that the name of the album is Slutstep is just the tip of the turd iceberg. What really brings chunks up my throat is the way Datgirl (or Datgirl Serene according to her Facebook) looks. Having colourful yarn hair and dressing like some weird condom is stupid. I shouldn’t have to explain why, but I will for the purpose of this post. It’s stupid because it looks like fart insanity. I know that is just nonsense, but it’s only by putting those two fairly unrelated words together that I’m able to truly express the way I feel.I’m gonna take you on a track-by-track journey of Slutstep so that we can experience the horror together and then never have to think about it again.#1 – “Pimp My Bride”This song features un-ending dialogue samples from the movie Princess Bride. OK, that movie came out in 1987, it’s now 2012. Are you fooling us all by recording your music in prison and slowly leaking it to the world via songbird? I’m thinking such things because the only excuse you could have for sampling this is if you were shown it during a movie night earned with good behaviour points for keeping your cell clean. The cell you’ve been in since 1986.#2 – “Smack and Please”“Don’t want no mac n cheese, can you just smack me please?”I really don’t want to think about you, or anyone else for that matter, eating mac n cheese and then having slap sex. You’re doing it wrong anyway. You’re supposed to have snacks AFTER you engage in BDSM.#3 – “Sit On My Bass”What if you made an album and then read somewhere that a writer compared it to pussy farts? Would you 1) be happy, or 2) be sad?The electro racket throughout this song sounds like queefs.#4 – “Baby Got Bass”What you just thought right now upon reading this (if you thought, “no. Not a throwback to 'Baby Got Back". Only an asshole …) is correct.#5 – “Addicted To Magic”This song was playing while I stepped away to go peeps in the potty, but judging by the title of it, I’m pretty sure it’s about that one episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer where Willow becomes addicted to doing magic and then her eyes turn black and she goes lesbian.#6 – “Chapel Perilous”I#7 – “I Text Myself”HATE#8 – “American Apparel Model”YOU
#9 – “Dance Floor Talker”“You dance floor talker, you’re acting like a stalker.”All I can do at this point is shake my head and make a face.I’m doing it right this very second.“Shakes head.”“Makes face.”#10 – “Tetropolis”I listened to this song while writing “please listen to this album, it made me want to punch myself in the face” on a Post-It note and then placing it on my co-worker’s desk. So basically this was my favourite song on the whole thing because it holds the happiest memories.@wolfievibes
Annons
Annons