Doing the Dirty at Coachella

You might remember the words of Sophie Saint Thomas from her "Shuffle and Splooge" column, in which she masturbates whilst listening to music. Now, we take the bold journalistic step of presenting you with a play-by-play of the she time spent in the bone zone while at Coachella. Rub your screen to experience the column in Scratch-n-Sniff mode.

Thursday, April 12

11.32PM

After dipping into the beer supply (etc., etc.) while in line, my boyfriend and I park and set up camp. We get in the only oral sex of the trip, because swamp ass will surely set in tomorrow.

Friday, April 13

9.38PM

In the beer tent, my boyfriend and I realise Mazzy Star is playing "Fade Into You". We scramble to the fence and make out passionately like two young fools in love and annoy everyone around us.

12.05PM

Due to my low body weight and disdain for pacing myself, I'm not one who usually makes it to late-night shows. It is fucking freezing so we double penetrate one sleeping bag and do it in the spoon position. A brief cleanup with baby wipes and deep sleep ensues.

Saturday, April 14

3.15PM

Azealia Banks finishes her set 20 minutes early. I run back to the tent and masturbate furiously while whispering to myself "I guess that cunt gettin' eaten…"

5.30PM

It appears after my Azealia explosion I dosed off. My boyfriend has come to the tent to join me and we begin fooling around. As he's three fingers deep I realise he hasn't washed his hands in three days. I brace myself for the UTI that is sure to follow.

6.03PM

We head back toward the music. I look around at all the slutty 18-year-olds and realise my boyfriend's impressive perma-boner has absolutely nothing to do with me.

2.05AM

After Radiohead we make our way back to our tent. We try to do it with me on top but it is too goddamn cold so instead we DP one sleeping bag again and get it on in what I like to call "Alligator Position".

Sunday, April 15

12.00PM

I catch my boyfriend taking pictures of random girls' asses, he says he's just trying to give me some material for this article.

Monday, April 16

9.57AM

There was no sex Sunday. The last thing I remember is rapping every single world to "Ain't No Fun (If the Homies Can't Have None)" and squinting asking my boyfriend "who the fuck is that?" when Hologram Tupac came onstage.

1.15PM

Our flight back to New York takes off while we are still returning our rental car.

3.30PM - 12AM

Airport hotel sex…. oh yeah! Glass half-full, baby.

Follow Sophie on Twitter: @TheBowieCat