Jeans That Make Your Ass Thinner

A weekly roundup of anything fashion-related that's made us excited about having bodies that we can dress with clothes.

UMIT BENAN PROVED ME WRONG

It seems that last week's tidbits didn’t make it through to the people at Umit Benan in time because they went ahead with the balaclava look. Had they of consulted VICE before the show they would have seen I explained pretty extensively that balaclavas are for muggers and thieves.

That said, Mr Benan could, and I can’t quite believe I’m saying this, but, he could be bringing me round to the balaclava. They’re incredibly imposing, which is a good thing on these mean streets of West London in which I reside. They’re not too overly threatening though, and worn in a similar outfit that Umit himself chose for the show, I think I could wear one out to dinner, no problem. Or on the weekend when I like to the bike out, I bet they’re protectively very good. Which brings me on to perhaps the best thing of all about these hats; they are going to keep you pretty toastie in the snow. Unfortunately, this tidbit has proven just one thing, and that is that I am an incredibly fickle character. All it will take is a little persuasion and I’ll probably wear one of those JW Anderson dresses.

MLB X INKIE

Major League Baseball make the coolest sports shit, which once you've discovered, you're going to want to wear everywhere: school, work, funerals… But while that's all well and good, MLB decided that they were going to add a whole new level of cool onto their iconic brand. For global tradeshow Bread and Butter in Berlin last week, MLB collaborated with legendary grafitti artist Inkie, who customised products live from their stand. Unfortunately Inkie's designs were for special guests to the Berlin show only, but who's to stop you buying a baseball bat on their website, turning up outside Inkie's house, and threatening him with it until he draws you an extra special design? Well, the police probably. But have they ever stopped you before? Check out MLB products on their site, here.

WRANGLER JEANS

Image via Wrangler.com

New "Denim Spa Therapy For Legs" jeans by Wrangler are "infused with moisturising and slimming ingredients" so that you can think about your fat arse all day. The jeans also come in a variety of "treatments" – "Smooth legs", "Olive Extract" or "Aloe Vera" – depending on the state of your shrivelled backside. Thank God! When are those tired old bitches going to learn that it's just not okay to "love yourself for who you are". Sigh, make an effort.

Wrangler’s poster girl for the campaign, Lizzie Jagger, claims the jeans feel "softer and smoother" than your everyday denim – why am I so inclined to assume that Liz is in it for the ca$h. Well, maybe because she probably wouldn't know cellulite if it came and slapped her on the smooth little arse. What’s more, Wrangler admit that these infused ingredients will come out in the wash (duh), so advise you to either never wash your jeans, or spend more money ‘topping up’ each time you do, using their ‘reload sprays’. If my maths is correct, I’m pretty sure this works out a lot more expensive than buying a moisturising cream that actually works, and a regular pair of jeans. But hey, maybe you're an oligarch. Get a pair from ASOS when they launch on January 28th.

GALLIANO HEADS TO OSCAR DE LA RENTA

So it looks like John Galliano has been scraped back up off the floor of the fashion world, and is being propped back up by his mate Oscar de la Renta. After having been sacked by Dior for anti-semitic comments, fined 6,000 euros (anyone else think that's kind of a weird amount?) and sent to rehab for the alcoholism that apparently caused his outbursts, Galliano is making his comeback to the front line of the fashion industry. However, De la Renta has only offered him a temporary residency leading up to his New York Fashion Week Show next month, so fans of his completely fucking batshit crazy amazing couture creations from the Dior days shouldn't hold their breath.

AND FINALLY: PATRICK THE INTERN WALKED AT PFW!

And everybody in the office swooned. Well mainly me, but I swooned enough for everybody.

Catch up on VICE Tidbits.