Hey Ron! - My Dad Takes It Up The Shitpipe

The world is full of people in need of Ron’s help. Proof came earlier this week when we received a note from a guy whose well-to-do dad has been doing all sorts of tufted and grunty stuff in the closet and behind his family’s back for years.

Hey Ron,

My dad is gay and still married to my mom. I know this because I walked in on him jerking it to gay porn, and then his whole stash of gay porn popped up on my Soulseek network. He meets up with random college guys he finds online or at work and doesn’t come home until like four in the morning. I also found out that he bought this one guy a $50,000 car. I told my mom she needs to dump him, but she just ignores me and says she wants to keep giving things a shot. As far as I can tell this has been going on for at least ten years. Is there any way to help?

Help? I’m sad to say there is no help. Your dad is a closet homosexual. I guess because of what he does for a living—I’m thinking he probably works in the corporate world—that he must identify as being heterosexual. You’re never going to make him change.

He’s either going to leave your mom or stay with her. As long as he stays she’s going to deal with it because she probably doesn’t work. She’s not going to leave the luxury of having what she wants, and in return she lets him do whatever he wants as long as he doesn’t bring it home. At least that’s what I assume. You catching him choking his chicken to guys’ butts probably stunned you pretty good, but he’s been that way for a very long time.

You can confront him and put him on the spot, but I don’t know how far that’s going to go. He’s probably going to say, “Your mom knows. She’s OK with it as long as I don’t bring it home.” Still, I think you should confront him. It’ll at least clear the air between you and your dad. He’s still your father regardless of what his sexual preferences are. Tell him how it makes you feel, how you were raised to be a man, and here he is doing the opposite of what he taught you to do and how to live. If he’s limp-wristed, he should be waving around his gay hands proudly like a flag—at least in front of his family. Tell him to be a true man.

You know, I watch the Lifetime channel sometimes. I get to see how some of the other haves and have-nots live. I've come up with some conclusions about life based on some of those shows I’ve watched. Don’t get me wrong. Television is not my moral compass, but it does broaden my horizon about people in Kentucky and Wyoming because I’ve never been to those places. And I wouldn’t go unless it was to watch horse racing. But I’m digressing here.

Your mom’s role in all of this is a touchier subject. It’s going to be little rough if you decide to confront her or if you confront your dad and he tells her about it. She’s going to totally deny it and tell you to mind your own business. You know, “It’s just between adults.” Just don’t get smart and say something like, “Not really mom. It’s actually between buttcheeks.” She won’t like that kind of talk.

My gut feeling is that she knows all about it anyway. You don’t live with a man for 15 or 20 years and don’t know about something like this. Again, she probably ignores it because if he can buy some random beat buddy a $50,000 car then she’s definitely staying quiet. She’s probably got everything she needs, except maybe him.

Speaking of the car, that’s what you should be pissed about. My father couldn’t ever buy anyone a $50,000 car. But if he could have I better have been the first in line. Not some dude he gets off with. Don’t go spending all your money on some brownie [according to Ron, his usage of the word “brownie” is a reference to mooching and not a homophobic slur. We’ve never heard of either definition.—Ed.] and leave me out in the cold. ’Cause that’s not cool.

Love,

Ron

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