Naked behind the Wall

Reunification, woohoo! About a week ago Germany celebrated the 20th anniversary of this wall thing, with Bon Jovi and Domino Stones. However this just brought my mind back to the inexplicable differences between East Germans and West Germans. West Germans like Jurgen Klinsmann, East Germans like taking their clothes off in public.

FKK, or Freikörperkultur, or liberal-body-culture was kind of insanely popular on the dismal side of the Iron Curtain. I am from West Germany and I honestly don’t feel the need to hang around with dicks and cunts all out in the open on a frequent basis.

But I can kind of imagine what it must have been like in this country where everything from freedom of speech to traveling to taking a shit was observed and recorded by the Stasi secret Police. The people had been naked in the eyes of the state already. There was simply nothing else to hide.

When the GDR was still young, however, the Politbüro saw FKK as a hangover from the Nazis, a sign of dangerous bourgeois degeneracy, and tried to forbid it. However, many nudists were also party members, policemen, and even judges, who protested that "doing FKK" and being a good communist were not mutually exclusive, and that nudism was non-sexual. So from then on it was totally a-OK in the Eastern part to hang around naked, while in the West, well, let’s just say it wasn’t a topic you even discussed in public.

To get to know my fellow citizens from East Germany a little bit better, I interviewed a colleague of mine, who was born in the former OSTBLOCK as it’s called in the beautiful German language.

VICE: At what age did you get naked in public for the first time?
Florence: One or two I think. We were on holidays at Usedom on the Eastern Coast.

Could you get naked everywhere in the GDR or just at certain places?
Well, if you’d walk down the street naked people would have thought you’re completely nuts.

But it was socially accepted?
More than accepted.

We in the Western part call this behavior exhibitionism and you’d get fined.
Because you’re Puritans with little dicks.

Right. So dicks and cunts meet at the same place? And there was nothing sexual involved? I mean come on…
It’s about as sexual as going to the sauna. You don’t go to the sauna and think, Wow, that’s the dick of this old dude my aunt’s been dating ten for years. You’re just like: Ugh, old wrinkly dick, and don’t think about it anymore.

Well, but the old guy probably thinks something else. Ever seen someone jerking off there?
Maybe some people did, but if anyone noticed they would have chased you away. It would have been as weird as jerking off in your classroom.

Why is it still so popular in East Germany?
Because East Germans are more relaxed. Some statistics claimed to prove that because there were no good TV programs in East Germany, two things have drastically risen: a) sex and b) alcoholism. I guess we could add c) nudism, but I have no proof for that theory.

So you were locked in behind the Iron Curtain because you were sex crazy animals?
The other way around: You were excluded because you were uptight capitalists.

Ever had sex with a West German?
Yes. And with lots of East Germans as well.

Who’s better?
East Germans care less about protection, while, like, every West German gets a condom on as soon as you’re in the midst of the kissing part. East Germans forget about that more often if you don’t remind them. Who’s actually better? Hmm. East Germans. But West Germans tend to pay for the cab.

What was the craziest thing you did in your East German sex life?
No one ever penetrated me with a Stalin statue on a beach, if you mean something like that.

Forget about that. Last question. Quickie on the staff toilet?
Yeah right. That’s about as funny as these freakin’ bananas you bought us on Monday. Like, woohoo—Eastern Kids, here’s some cool fruit for you, they’re called Bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. That joke is so old it’s not even moldy anymore.

You know what? That reaction is exactly why it is so fucking funny, but you’ll never going to get that, will you? Nothing beats the banana joke!