This Woman Is Telling Lies to Vaginas

Hello, I’m Bertie. This column is basically a place for me to call bullshit on girl related stuff that I think is dumb.

Remember that point in your teenage life when you decide you want to have a grownup voice? Lindsay Lohan's "gruffly child smoker voice" (so wise) and Parker Posey's "know-it-all Manhattan drawl" in Party Girl (so popular) were my chosen voices. Trying to emulate the accent of somebody who probably has a Marlboro Red and a wheatgerm shot for breakfast every day isn't the best idea if you're, a) from North West London and, b) 13 years old, but still: I was determined.

Unfortunately, while we were all honing our "disinterested Dionne from Clueless", Pam Stenzel had already perfected "drag queen hypnotist baddie from an early Cartoon Network show". This woman – a pro-abstinence advocate, who travels the US school circuit, preaching the dangers of sluttiness – sounds like she's trying to suck the life-joy out through your ears. But amid the hyperbolic shrieking, the cadences of street-savvy teen lingo remain. She dismisses things with a casual "whatever" and fills her hesitant pauses with Valley Girl "likes". Her ability to sound like a teenage girl is what makes her the deadly queen of PR-friendly god fanaticism.

I know, we've been over this. All those pro-life, anti-everything Christian fundamentalists who masquerade behind any number of bullshit agendas when their whole shtick is getting y'all to believe in the Word. But Pam's a bit different – she's dangerous, she's aggressive and she's seriously losing her shit. Two days ago, one of Pam's recent high school lectures was posted on YouTube. It's an hour of intolerable hatefulness and self-satisfied fury. I thought I'd pick through her festering ideology, so you don't have to.

PAM'S BULLSHIT #1: If you contract chlamydia once in your life, whether you cure it or not, there is a 25 percent chance you will become infertile. If you get it twice, that figure jumps to 50 percent. Three times? There's a "very good chance you will never have children".

REALITY: (Imagine me saying this in a Parker Posey voice, for better effect) If left untreated in women, chlamydia can cause pelvic inflammatory disease, which causes infertility in 10 to 15 percent of sufferers. Trying to convince teenage girls that contracting chlamydia once and curing it is as dangerous as contracting chlamydia and leaving it untreated is a horrible, malicious lie that will probably scare young girls off getting tested frequently.

PAM'S BULLSHIT #2: If you don't contract chlamydia and become infertile, you're going to get pregnant. And teen pregnancies – or rather, the welfare offspring Pam feels they inevitably produce – are the single biggest social problem America currently faces.

REALITY: Not remotely true. But politicising teen pregnancy is an interesting way to manipulate young people into believing casual sex is responsible for America's social instability. Stenzel takes it upon herself to source an appropriate outcome for whatever "bad" behaviour you've got planned – opening with a winner: "sex before marriage will probably make you infertile" (see above), she also goes for "sex before marriage will immediately impregnate you", before rounding it off with "teenage mums are terrorists".

And, if none of these scenarios compute – if, for instance, you're an STI/STD-free teenager choosing to have protected sex with another STI/STD-free teenager – then guess what: Pam has a whole boatload of sin ready to crash into you. You might not be a danger to yourself, your partner, or the state, but that doesn't mean you can't be a danger to God's green earth.

PAM'S BULLSHIT #3: She thinks her son is going to ask for his girlfriend's dad's permission before he makes out with her vagina in a cinema somewhere. Otherwise she will "kill him". (I believe her).

REALITY: Did someone say "real world"? When are these guys going to realise that being a teenager is the best thing ever and the more rules and regulations they impose on their kids, the better their clandestine snogs are going to feel? I'm not saying we should be running around having sex all the time at 15, but is a 49-year-old insane person going to be able to quench your adolescent horn by spitting all over you for an hour in a school gymnasium? No, clearly that idea is bullshit.

PAM'S BULLSHIT #4: Give Pam a microphone and 20 minutes in front of a room full of girls, and apparently she can point out ALL the sluts!

REALITY: So apparently Stenzel has developed a kind of "slutdar" for teenagers. I know this type of person, the kind of parent who reads their kid's text messages, outraged at the use of swear words, and then fires out a whole bunch of replies before printing them out and faxing them anonymously to the headmaster. There were parents like this in my school, and not to generalise, but if anyone was going to get laid after hockey on a Thursday evening, it was their kids. Not that I blame them or anything. Can you imagine how much pent up sexual frustration you'd have if your mum was constantly peering at you, trying to figure out if you were a slut?

Chill it, Pam. Please. For the love of God. For the children.

Follow Bertie on Twitter: @bertiebrandes

Previously: Is Snapchat Ruining People's Lives?