How To Navigate The Emotional Maze That Is Healing From A Break-Up

If you are struggling with a break-up and need to talk to someone, email lovebetter@youthline.co.nz or text “lovebetter” to 234.

There’s no denying heartbreak is one of the worst feelings one can suffer. Author and biological anthropologist, Helen Fisher, expressed in her novel Anatomy of Love: A Natural History of Mating, Marriage, and Why We Stray that: “One of the most painful experiences that a human being can suffer is to lose a life partner”.

It’s an experience most of us will go through in life, and the experience will leave us feeling devastated. Whether you’re the person being broken up with, or the one ending the relationship, break-ups leave both parties changed forever. This is especially true if the break-up was unexpected.

My TikTok feed has been littered with therapy speak videos from counsellors and therapists, all titled things like “What if avoidant personalities were honest about their break-ups?” Personal attack on me aside, these videos get millions of views and drive major engagement in the comments, with several admitting they are avoidant personalities or struggled in a relationship with one. Many of us will have had similar experiences with a partner suddenly withdrawing, or experiencing anxiety in a relationship due to intimacy. Not communicating these issues with a partner can result in an unexpected break-up, causing severe confusion and heartache.

Suddenly being single launches us into uncharted territories. Our entire lives become disrupted. Responsibilities, accountability, your home, future, social circles, and everything that you once shared with someone can become alienated. For many, a break-up might mark a death spell of one’s optimism about love. The uncertainty is unbearable. You get why some when being alone may seem worse.

So, how do we deal with such uncertainty, and how can we trust ourselves to ever love again?

Part of healing from a breakup is doing our best to find individual closure. Whether that’s closure in understanding the reason why your partner left, forgiving yourself and coming to terms with why you needed to leave, or embracing not knowing, and prioritising your needs and values.

What’s more important in a breakup, though, is to allow yourself to feel all those messy feelings of grief and loss. Breakups often have dramatic impacts on our mental health, with many of us experiencing symptoms of depression and anxiety. A commonly cited study suggests that break-ups impact the brain the same way an addiction withdrawal might. This withdrawal can prompt us to act in ways we might regret, like reaching out to our ex or rebounding into quick flings to forget.

These feelings and impulses are natural after a break-up, however, they become problematic when you notice yourself staying in that rut, and impacting your relationships with friends, your work and future relationships with partners.

The good news is that while your brain actively tries to rationalise a break-up, this is a sign that your mind is repairing itself. We need to feel these emotions to start healing.

Whether that’s making overly sentimental and upsetting playlists filled with songs that remind you of them, cathartically throwing away as many of their possessions and pictures you have of them, or even simply blocking them on social media. These actions are all ways of processing the break-up and manifesting them into tangible objects that demonstrate the separation.

But while healing, we need to be active in other ways.

Give yourself some space.

Many recommend “no-contact” with an ex while you heal. This approach might not work best for you, but limiting exposure will help let the reality of the break-up settle in.

Keep busy.

You might find yourself with too much free time on your hands, especially on weekends. Plan ahead and do things that you usually enjoy.

Take advantage of all the new free time you now have.

Engage in activities that you find relaxing, like watching a movie, listening to music or playing sports.

Talk to those around you. 

Family, friends, and others who can support you. It's ok to want some time to yourself, but socialising with supportive people can help take your mind off the break-up, and listening to your feelings will help.

Give it time.

Allow yourself time to adapt to the change after a breakup.

Try to look after yourself by practising self-care.

Things like eating well, getting enough sleep and staying active are great starts.

While time to ourselves is good, the worst thing you can do is give in to loneliness. Your friends and family are there for you, and without the accountability of a relationship, you’re free to make your own schedule to dive into new hobbies, and social circles and create new and beautiful relationships.