Stop Trying to ‘Win’ the Break-up

If you are struggling with a break-up and need to talk to someone, email lovebetter@youthline.co.nz or text “lovebetter” to 234.

Pssst, hey, you. 

Yes, you. 

What do you think you’re doing? You think you’re being discreet? 

Hunched over like a little gremlin scrolling through your ex’s Instagram, examining their captions for clues like an archeologist searching for meaning in hieroglyphs left by a civilisation long gone of this world.

Grow up. I say this not out of disdain, but love. You are better than this. 

What’s that? You’re fine, you say? You’re happy, you insist? So why are you trying to “win” the break-up, then?

“Winning” the break-up can take many different shapes, from the overt making out with a hot person in front of your ex at a party to the slightly more insidious constant monitoring of their social media — and subsequently posting more on your own social media to show how much fun you’re having.

It’s like junk food: it might feel good in the moment, but it’s really bad for you in the long run. Plus, you just look lame doing it, and you’re actively trying to hurt someone which is never a good move. Ultimately no one wins.

Just live, don’t worry about what your ex is doing, worry about what you’re doing. Look at the state of your bathroom mirror! My god. And when’s the last time you watered your plants? My brother in christ, when’s the last time you watered yourself?

Break-ups suck, trust me. I’ve had plenty, but also, they're kind of cool. Hear me out: There is no better time for personal growth than the months immediately following a break-up. This is the time when you learn so much about not only yourself, but life and all its wonders. 

Things may suck while you’re going through it – I’m not discounting that – but it will get better, and you'll come out the other side of the storm a much stronger, much wiser, much more powerful person.

The first month will be hard. You’ll go through every stage of grief while traversing a hurricane of self-indulgence. You’ll go out, you’ll be reckless, you’ll eat a lot (or not enough), you’ll hit the gym hard or spend 18 hours in bed. You will feel low, but the short bursts of strange excitement that come with this new single life will fill you with cinematic elation.

Eventually, you’ll come to enjoy the freedom that comes with not needing to be accountable to anyone. You’ll explore new sides of yourself and try things that, in the past, you would never even dream of. At one point, you’ll realise that you haven't even thought about checking their social media in months.

And that’s good. Overcoming the “sad” part is the goal – but take nothing away from its importance. Like 50 Cent says, “Sunny days wouldn't be special, if it wasn't for rain.” And look how well he’s doing! (Don’t google him).

Look, life Is Not Fun sometimes. It’s no one’s fault. But that's part of the beauty of it all, isn't it? Imagine if you could live your ultimate perfect day over and over. How many times could you live through it before things start to get a tad stale? Eventually, you’d get bored of perfection and seek out a day with a little more surprise and a little more spice. You’d get to the point where you’re living the very day you’re having now. With all its perfect ups and downs.

So forget about “winning” the break-up. Forget about “winning” anything. That’s cringe mentality. You’re better than that.

Life is for living! Go have fun, and get out of your head. Because it’s easy to miss the good things that may come tomorrow if you’re spending too much time wondering about yesterday.

This article was created in partnership with the Ministry for Social Development as part of its Love Better campaign.

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© 2022 VICE MEDIA LLC

Edited by Rachel Barker.