We answer your pathetic questions about dating, loneliness, and your inevitable failure.Dear Hot Dog and Lady Bun,
I'm dating a much older man who treats me great. The problem is that he's really putting a damper on my social life. He gets too tired to go out and wants to do boring things all the time.Hot Dog Grows Old With YouDating an older woman is great, mainly because women under 29 are clinically insane (the DMV classifies it as “Born After Who’s the Boss Went off The Air Syndrome.”) An older woman gives you the best of both worlds: sexual maturity combined with the illicit thrill of sleeping with a woman your aunt’s age. But bedding an older woman is sometimes a tough thing to pull off—mainly because younger men are often as attractive to older women as is a chimpanzee with a learning disorder. But the thing you have to look out for in any age gap relationship is power differentials—older people are often “wiser” and “less continent.” Here’s a few ways to keep things on equal footing when you’re having Good Times with Great Oldies:
I'm dating a much older man who treats me great. The problem is that he's really putting a damper on my social life. He gets too tired to go out and wants to do boring things all the time.Hot Dog Grows Old With YouDating an older woman is great, mainly because women under 29 are clinically insane (the DMV classifies it as “Born After Who’s the Boss Went off The Air Syndrome.”) An older woman gives you the best of both worlds: sexual maturity combined with the illicit thrill of sleeping with a woman your aunt’s age. But bedding an older woman is sometimes a tough thing to pull off—mainly because younger men are often as attractive to older women as is a chimpanzee with a learning disorder. But the thing you have to look out for in any age gap relationship is power differentials—older people are often “wiser” and “less continent.” Here’s a few ways to keep things on equal footing when you’re having Good Times with Great Oldies:
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- Next time she wants to go to bed early, don’t argue, just softly sing the Golden Girls theme song all the way home.
- Make “Statutory Rape” your safe word. The older you are the funnier this is.
- In the morning, put googly eyes on your penis and wake her by saying, “Hey grandma! There’s an early bird special for this little worm!”
- “Was this song popular when you were a kid?” (Bang two stones together repeatedly.)
- “You really remind me of my mom. Which is not creepy! I breast-fed until I was five. I love older women’s tits.”
- “What I love most about us is that since women live longer than men, we’ll probably die on the same day.”
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- Another boring movie night? How about suggesting you watch Transformers and then telling him it’s about an old, shitty robot that turns into a cooler, sexier robot when he goes to bars.
- Try spicing up another dinner at home by cooking something exotic at his house, like Vietnamese food or meth.
- Trouble with his libido? When he comes home from work, surprise him with an irresistible trail of Werther’s Originals® leading straight to your beaver.
- “Your eyes tell a story… Like the Dead Sea Scrolls or cave paintings.”
- “Age is nothing but a number, but your number gets you discounts on the bus.”
- “You’ve taught me things I could never learn in school—mostly ‘cause my college didn’t have courses on Alan Alda and Cialis.”